tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39951296845732543402024-03-13T23:55:50.868-07:00Melancholy SmileMelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.comBlogger1045125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-80594259661233276632015-04-10T09:30:00.000-07:002015-04-10T09:30:00.777-07:00The Loyal Bavarians, Episode 5<br />
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My nephews have cameos in "Breaking Brawt"! So fun. :)</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-irTlACONhtM/VScJ_FdLsbI/AAAAAAAAHfI/YURGGXcG6bw/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2015-04-09%2Bat%2B4.16.29%2BPM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-irTlACONhtM/VScJ_FdLsbI/AAAAAAAAHfI/YURGGXcG6bw/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2015-04-09%2Bat%2B4.16.29%2BPM.png" height="340" width="640" /></a></div>
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It's really sad to see this series come to an end. It's been such a fun look back on the town that I love, and it is my sincerest wish that those who see it become as fond of it as I am. Enjoy:<br />
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<li>The former Mayor of Leavenworth is in the shot where Dolph talks about Trude and The Royal Bavarians. "Lots of luck with that..." was an improvised line that cracks me up.</li>
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<li>The way Jessie says, "My girl Ams," makes me melt. :)</li>
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<li>Apparently, the crew had to be there by 4am in order to make the bratwurst! This is why I'm not an actor.</li>
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<li>Those sausage-eating outtakes at the end.... another reason I'm not an actor.</li>
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<li>"Say my name!" *snort laugh*</li>
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And that's it! I'm so proud of my brother for his creativity and work. Please share these videos with your friends and if you're ever in Washington, make sure to pay my hometown of Leavenworth a visit for me! :)</div>
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MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-25547345482090987752015-04-09T16:12:00.000-07:002015-04-09T16:12:59.590-07:00The Loyal Bavarians, Episode 4<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Wilda's Good Fortune" is the episode where the Lost Boys really grow on me! {I laugh at "<a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=parkour&espv=2&biw=2558&bih=1244&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=BQMnVcaJAdW4ogSd2YHoBw&ved=0CDEQsAQ">par-cow</a>!" every. time.} And Wilda's absurd, but devastating discovery is completely entertaining.<br />
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<li>This episode is jam-packed with nostalgia! I remember when they first put up the Maypole; I've been to the Nutcracker Museum several times; and even the shot of the hanging flower baskets being watered makes me think of summer days on main street.</li>
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<li>Wilda is handed a fortune cookie by our good family friend, Sister Bailey. Hi Mary Lou!!</li>
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<li>Truffles the Bear sits outside of the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, which, until I was nearly 20 years old, I believed was exclusive to Leavenworth. He really is chained to the bench because people keep stealing him!</li>
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<li>I love that the Lost Boys are shown in the gazebo, because that's exactly where the 'bad boys' always hang out! Ha!</li>
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<li>If you're going to eat your feelings, Leavenworth is the place to do it. Pastries, chocolates, and sweets galore. I used to walk to the <a href="http://www.leavenworthtaffyshop.com/">Taffy Shop</a> after work and get a free sample of their latest flavor creation, and the <a href="http://www.yelp.com/biz_photos/the-danish-bakery-leavenworth#TtMO75YvNe358SVTW2547A">Danish Bakery</a> has the best cream horns. Yum.</li>
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MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-49914779894788389962015-04-09T15:37:00.003-07:002015-04-09T15:41:19.271-07:00The Loyal Bavarians, Episode 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Amsel's Day Out" is my <b>favorite</b> episode. I love how <i>super sweet</i> and innocent Amsel is, and the way she elevates Jessie as a result:<br />
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<li>The lookout point that Jessie takes Amsel to is the top of Icicle Hill. I used to run that hill every day! I still miss the view.</li>
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<li>"He looks like a stalker!" is a completely improvised line and makes me remember how common it felt to have adults of all ages invested in you and protective of you. That kind of community feeling is authentically Leavenworth.</li>
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<li>I'm kind of sad that the Tattoo place didn't show up until after I moved away. It certainly adds a younger vibe.</li>
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<li>In the outtakes, you get to see the alpenhorn being blown on top of the <a href="http://enzianinn.com/">Enzian Inn</a>, which has been a fixture of Leavenworth for as long as I can remember! Also, the <a href="http://enzianinn.com/">Enzian</a> has the most amazing breakfast buffets. Go. You'll thank me.</li>
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<li>I am secretly in love with Klemens. </li>
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MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-8705652792830668172015-04-07T13:05:00.000-07:002015-04-07T13:05:33.379-07:00The Loyal Bavarians, Episode 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The second episode, "Baruch Wane", is one of my favorites! Having lived in Leavenworth myself, I can identify with Bennie being torn between the love of his 'Bavarian heritage' and his desire to usher in a more modern age.<br />
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When I was 16, we lived in a little house just off of the main street, which meant gingerbread trim, accordion music piped over outdoor speakers 24/7 and the smells of bratwurst and sauerkraut wafting through the air. For the most part, I had a fierce pride for my strange little hometown, but other times.... I longed to have a place where I could buy a t-shirt that didn't have a beer stein printed on the front.<br />
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<li>I love that they're caught eating 'contraband' in the ally. Getting our first McDonalds in Leavenworth was quite the controversy-- it totally felt like you were a traitor if you were seen eating there!</li>
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<li>Still, McDonalds was not where you went if you were craving American food. It was always the 59er Diner for burgers and shakes. It's the perfect BatCave for Bennie.</li>
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<li>In actuality, The Castle Site is where all the city buses are parked-- but for years, my brother has wanted to build a <i>real</i> castle there. I love that he worked that into the script! {Take note, people! Leavenworth needs an IMAX theater and moat rides!}</li>
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<li>"Gun ridden ally." *snort laugh*</li>
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BONUS! Episode 2.5!</div>
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Meet the Lost Boys of Leavenworth-- they claim to be the collateral damage of 'oppressive' theme towns. :)</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/HlJ0cx2iICA" width="560"></iframe>MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-55962651278880532642015-04-06T14:09:00.001-07:002015-04-06T14:27:54.070-07:00The Loyal Bavarians, Episode 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0Kgymb5kJE0/VSLocbMTq7I/AAAAAAAAHeA/-SwXHrPrNio/s1600/maxresdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0Kgymb5kJE0/VSLocbMTq7I/AAAAAAAAHeA/-SwXHrPrNio/s1600/maxresdefault.jpg" height="360" width="640" /></a></div>
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Growing up, my family moved at least every two years. By the time I left home at the age of 19, I'd already moved twenty-nine times! But the last six moves and five teenage years were spent in the town of Leavenworth, Washington-- a breathtakingly beautiful bavarian-themed tourist town that I unequivically think of as 'home'.<br />
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To be a local in a tourist town is a distinctly unique experience; one that can be difficult to describe. That's why I <i>love</i> the new web series "<a href="https://www.facebook.com/theloyalbavarians">The Loyal Bavarians</a>". It's humorous and absurd and yet a completely dead on homage to the place that I love. I'll be posting one episode each day this week, along with some brief annotations at the end.<br />
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Enjoy!<br />
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<li>The outfits that Amsel and Wilda are wearing? I wore those when I worked at Cafe Rumpelstilzchen as a waitress and baker. {No longer in business, but hi Theo and Elsa!}</li>
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<li><a href="http://www.leavenworth.org/woody-goomsba">Woody Goomsba</a> is-- to my chagrin and horror-- completely real. It was a video that went viral and brought drunken college kids to Oktoberfest, but did IN NO WAY represent Leavenworth. RIP Woody. </li>
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<li>All the exterior shots make me terribly homesick.</li>
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<li>I recognize the Reinhardt's house-- it's on Icicle Loop. Nearby is where "The Sound of Music" is performed every summer.</li>
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<li>My son wants to know where he can get a pretzel that big. {Answer: <a href="http://www.munchenhaus.com/">The Munchen Haus,</a> <a href="http://www.andreaskellerrestaurant.com/">Andreas Keller</a>, and <a href="http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-danish-bakery-leavenworth">The Danish Bakery</a>. You're willkommen.} </li>
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MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-796660403283194222015-03-13T00:42:00.001-07:002015-03-13T00:46:26.827-07:00The Art of the Mocktail<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As many of you know, The Academy Awards are a pretty <b>big deal</b> around here. I've been watching and predicting winners annually for as long as I can remember!<br />
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This year, <a href="http://www.hesgotmywholeworldinhishands.com/blog/an-oscar-party">The Spanish Lady</a> and I teamed up to put on a swank affair. I headed up the mocktail bar while she.... well, she did everything else. :) Check out <a href="http://www.hesgotmywholeworldinhishands.com/blog/an-oscar-party">her blog</a> for all the details on the bite-sized, indulgent food, glittering decor and the movie-quote photo booth!<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zcJTVSc9h2g/VQKCWrm895I/AAAAAAAAHb8/K7ZISl8DXDU/s1600/barcart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zcJTVSc9h2g/VQKCWrm895I/AAAAAAAAHb8/K7ZISl8DXDU/s1600/barcart.jpg" height="640" width="426" /></a></div>
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After you've oooh'd and ahhh'd over her <a href="http://www.hesgotmywholeworldinhishands.com/blog/an-oscar-party">mad skilz</a>, let us take a moment to examine the sorely under-represented art of the mocktail. A mocktail is a cocktail <i>without</i> the alcohol, and unlike some unimaginative folk seem to think, it doesn't always have to be a Shirley Temple-- although my kids love those!<br />
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Having mixed mocktails for a few years now, I can say with certainty that there is something about the interactive busy-work of making a drink that gets a party flowing and keeps it well lubricated. It's creative, it's tasty, and it's fun!<br />
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Before we get started with a few of my favorite drinks, here are some quick tips:<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gRPMUAcPjTo/VQKCcqS2_9I/AAAAAAAAHcI/cpGYcZcHXL4/s1600/wellstocked.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gRPMUAcPjTo/VQKCcqS2_9I/AAAAAAAAHcI/cpGYcZcHXL4/s1600/wellstocked.jpg" height="640" width="426" /></a></div>
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<i>Have a variety of glasses available</i>. Champagne flutes, wine goblets, martini glasses, high ball, low ball, and shot glasses are all excellent choices. It might seem like overkill, but some drinks just seem better suited to certain glasses.<br />
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<i>The better the ingredients, the better the drink. </i>Now is not the time to stock up on Sprite and cranberry juice. Go get some exotic flavors and high-quality sodas. Try Trader Joe's, Whole Foods or World Market. You'll taste the difference.<br />
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<i>More is more when it comes to garnishes. </i>Seriously, you can't have too many. Slice copious amounts of lemons, limes, oranges, and cucumbers. Put out bowls of maraschino cherries, berries, spanish olives, capers, mint leaves, rosemary, syrups, and sugar for rimming glasses. Don't forget picks and swizzle straws!<br />
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<i>The martini shaker is not for carbonated beverages!!</i> You'll end up with your drink fizzing all over the place. When using carbonated beverages, forget 007 and take it stirred, not shaken.<br />
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All right, on to the drinks!<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a7ZmLmk4puM/VQKCBvKiuqI/AAAAAAAAHbI/bj27QIGhePw/s1600/DeanMartini.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-a7ZmLmk4puM/VQKCBvKiuqI/AAAAAAAAHbI/bj27QIGhePw/s1600/DeanMartini.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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The Dean Martini is a staple. It's light, dry, and refreshing. The key to this drink is the Dry Cucumber Soda, so don't substitute anything else!</div>
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3 oz Dry Cucumber Soda {see photo below}</div>
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2 oz Pellegrino</div>
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Dash of Aromatic Bitters</div>
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Olive(s)</div>
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Speaking of Cucumber Soda, here's a drink for all those Sherlock fans out there:<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YnAG8UuBles/VQKCHtdp5uI/AAAAAAAAHbo/Ojs1xnlbO9s/s1600/cu-cumberbatch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YnAG8UuBles/VQKCHtdp5uI/AAAAAAAAHbo/Ojs1xnlbO9s/s1600/cu-cumberbatch.jpg" height="556" width="640" /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YnAG8UuBles/VQKCHtdp5uI/AAAAAAAAHbo/Ojs1xnlbO9s/s1600/cu-cumberbatch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
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The Cu-Cumberbatch:</div>
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3 oz Dry Cucumber Soda</div>
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2 oz Joia brand Lime, Hibiscus & Clove Soda</div>
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Sliced Cucumber</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6TduLUr95x0/VQKCB2Yl-QI/AAAAAAAAHbE/7Hf7pGXLy0k/s1600/GrandBudapest.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6TduLUr95x0/VQKCB2Yl-QI/AAAAAAAAHbE/7Hf7pGXLy0k/s1600/GrandBudapest.jpg" height="640" width="426" /></a></div>
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The Grand Budapest is sweet without being cloying:</div>
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3 oz Joia brand Grapefruit, Chamomile & Cardamom Soda {see photo below}</div>
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2 oz Pellegrino</div>
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1 oz Blood Orange soda</div>
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Ice</div>
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As you can imagine, this next one came about when we decided to mix everything of one color in a glass:<br />
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The Green Room:<br />
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3 oz Pellegrino</div>
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2 oz Bartlett Pear Soda</div>
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Dash of Rose's Sweetened Lime Juice</div>
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Sliced Lime</div>
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Another favorite! <a href="http://www.hesgotmywholeworldinhishands.com/blog/an-oscar-party">The Spanish Lady</a> introduced this one over Christmas and we're still obsessed:</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9hmlBsLDj-U/VQKCDJIj8KI/AAAAAAAAHbY/_BRfP5hGt2k/s1600/MockingGin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9hmlBsLDj-U/VQKCDJIj8KI/AAAAAAAAHbY/_BRfP5hGt2k/s1600/MockingGin.jpg" height="640" width="432" /></a></div>
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The Mocking Gin:</div>
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3 oz Bruce Cost Unfiltered Ginger Ale</div>
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2 oz Pellegrino</div>
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Dash of Rose's Sweetened Lime Juice</div>
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Dash of Aromatic Bitters</div>
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Sprig of Rosemary</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HFvegkcBOWU/VQKCxjEwAaI/AAAAAAAAHcQ/ISj_pSaYSV0/s1600/IMG_8083.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HFvegkcBOWU/VQKCxjEwAaI/AAAAAAAAHcQ/ISj_pSaYSV0/s1600/IMG_8083.jpg" height="400" width="298" /></a></div>
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We knew the kids would like this one, but were surprised at how much we all ended up enjoying it:</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uYDm1oBeaQ0/VQKCBsUbWZI/AAAAAAAAHbA/ix0n0sPxqGs/s1600/BigHero6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uYDm1oBeaQ0/VQKCBsUbWZI/AAAAAAAAHbA/ix0n0sPxqGs/s1600/BigHero6.jpg" height="640" width="426" /></a></div>
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The Big Hero 6: </div>
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4 oz 7UP or Sprite</div>
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1 oz Lychee Drink {see photo below}</div>
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Maraschino Cherry(s)</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V0iPacHVyo0/VQKCJWmVjTI/AAAAAAAAHbw/cCrC-EjyK7E/s1600/lychee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V0iPacHVyo0/VQKCJWmVjTI/AAAAAAAAHbw/cCrC-EjyK7E/s1600/lychee.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
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And lastly, our signature drink of the night:<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zAP8bRLuDtc/VQKTfEJ4RtI/AAAAAAAAHdU/SsaL1DlkU9s/s1600/theOscar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zAP8bRLuDtc/VQKTfEJ4RtI/AAAAAAAAHdU/SsaL1DlkU9s/s1600/theOscar.jpg" height="640" width="426" /></a></div>
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The Oscar:<br />
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3 oz Lorina's Pink Lemonade<br />
1 oz Bartlett Pear soda<br />
Blackberries<br />
Gold Sugar rim<br />
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Cheers everyone!<br />
<br />MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-48182022588638820732015-01-24T09:29:00.002-07:002015-01-24T09:29:48.372-07:00Weekend Links<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sZZl4-WbH8o/VMPEBTCbxWI/AAAAAAAAHZI/3Pqb_rRgMbE/s1600/7635739_orig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sZZl4-WbH8o/VMPEBTCbxWI/AAAAAAAAHZI/3Pqb_rRgMbE/s1600/7635739_orig.jpg" height="640" width="426" /></a></div>
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This weekend is long overdue! Here are some quick links to get you started:<br />
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A <a href="http://www.hesgotmywholeworldinhishands.com/blog/last-christmas-lip-dub">Behind-the-Scenes look</a> at our latest <a href="http://melancholysmile.blogspot.com/2015/01/last-christmas.html">Christmas Video</a>. Rico has your back. ;)<br />
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Another music video shot by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/colt.hansen.45">my brother </a>for the band <a href="https://www.facebook.com/MoonHype">MoonHype</a>. It's upbeat, catchy, and makes me smile all day long!<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/51Ec5-9KXNk?rel=0" width="640"></iframe><br />
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And lastly,<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-cl=84503534&x-yt-ts=1421914688&v=qDc_5zpBj7s"> this song</a> is on repeat at my house for obvious reasons. My girl Meghan says it so well!<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/qDc_5zpBj7s?rel=0" width="640"></iframe><br />
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Have a great weekend, all!<br />
<br />MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-23923012581981193942015-01-15T00:59:00.000-07:002015-01-15T01:33:55.730-07:00Last ChristmasFrom the minute I tearfully declared my decision to divorce, my family has swarmed in to love, protect, nurture and sustain me.<br />
<br />
<i>They dropped everything. </i><br />
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Half of them picked up and moved states to be near me. The other half has been helping financially and emotionally. All of them have been praying for me, talking with me, and giving the kind of empathetic, whole-hearted, essential support that brings to mind soldiers in the trenches together. I cannot imagine going through this without them. They've been indispensable. My soft place to land. My refuge.<br />
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We call it the Hansen Invasion, and I've never been so proud to be a Hansen.<br />
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Over the holiday break, we decided that it might be cathartic to make a Christmas Video after all.<br />
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Discovering who J <i>really</i> is has been the biggest disappointment of my life; but accepting who J really is has been biggest liberation of my life. I needed a song that encapsulated both the heartbreak and the resolve; the disgust and the freedom, the sorrow and the joy.<br />
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And that's how we decided to cover "Last Christmas" by Wham.<br />
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Enjoy it in all its 80's glory. :)<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="281" mozallowfullscreen="" src="//player.vimeo.com/video/116783871?portrait=0" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="500"></iframe>
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I have to mention that this was all shot in a single night after we'd put the kids {15 between us all} to bed. We filmed it using a half working Panasonic PK800 tube camera {like on Ghostbusters!} and a Nikon DSLR pointed at a TV. We wrapped up around 2am and none of us fully recall the events captured on film-- but it was a <i>complete blast</i>.<br />
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Every time I watch it, I gut-laugh and feel fiercely grateful for the abundance of good that the world still offers. My brothers and sisters are evidence of that.<br />
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Happy Christmas. ;)MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-77266472978860719902014-12-03T10:18:00.000-07:002014-12-03T10:18:08.051-07:00Endings and Beginings <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello all! I can't believe it's already this time of year.<br />
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Typically, this is when I'd be posting our latest Family Christmas Video. I love those videos. They're a place where my ideas and visual creativity are allowed to be unbridled. They're little time-capsules, preserving our children's ever-changing personalities. They're joyfull and celabratory despite any of the real, unphotogenic, everyday events and struggles that we go through during the course of the year. In that way, they capture my philosophy that life can be beautiful and smile-worthy, despite {and often because of} the melancholy. Genuine happiness is not the absense of pain. They coexist, like sweet and salty, enhancing the differences.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nsYVhB0ZJkY/VH9Cojyz-YI/AAAAAAAAHXc/4o1jGY96rQc/s1600/pinecones.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nsYVhB0ZJkY/VH9Cojyz-YI/AAAAAAAAHXc/4o1jGY96rQc/s1600/pinecones.jpg" height="640" width="426" /></a></div>
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Last week, I filed for divorce.<br />
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Those words sound so dreadful. They imply worlds of hurt, bitterness, and betrayal, which would not be a wrong assumption. But I have been startled, once again, to find that joy is abundantly present.<br />
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I know that Heavenly Father has prepared me for this season of my life. I've spent years documenting the ups and downs that have compelled me, over and over again, to turn to Him as my only sure source of comfort and direction; and while my faith has not become perfect, it is strong. I feel calm and full of gratitude for how clear my path is and the help that is embracing me along the way.<br />
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Winking through the calm glow of peace is the thrill that life stretches before me with limitless possibility. After all, I have spent a very, very long time grappling with one hard thing in my life. I'm ready for a new hard thing. I'm ready for new lessons learned and new joys experienced. And thanks to the last 15 years, I know those things are in store for me. The best is yet to come. <br />
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Merry Christmas, gentle readers!<br />
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{<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/84231455502213827/">image 1</a>, <a href="http://carlaaston.com/designed/last-minute-christmas-decor">image 2</a>, <a href="http://www.blog.evajuliet.com/2011/12/free-holiday-desktop-wallpaper.html">image 3</a>}<br />
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PS- I'm still writing on my anonymous blog, though some of the drafts may not be posted until after the divorce is finalized. If you'd like the link, you can send me an email at melancholy {dot} smile {at} yahoo {dot} com.MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-64526309443720200642014-09-08T23:15:00.000-07:002014-09-08T23:15:11.432-07:00Happiest City on Earth<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9aT5JnptIec/VA6apF1PSlI/AAAAAAAAHWQ/x8g51EXbujg/s1600/11406462821b9487de569586bd22311d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9aT5JnptIec/VA6apF1PSlI/AAAAAAAAHWQ/x8g51EXbujg/s1600/11406462821b9487de569586bd22311d.jpg" height="640" width="428" /></a></div>
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This year, J has been traveling all over the world for work. {I was especially jealous when he flew to Hawaii and Australia!} Months ago, he and his film team decided that they wanted to take their spouses on the last big trip of the year, so we all booked tickets and made hotel arrangements in London.<br />
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And then J and I separated.<br />
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I agonized for a long time over what to do about the trip. There was a substantial rebooking fee if I cancelled, and part of the allure of the trip was that so much would be paid for by J's company. Still, the thought of all that time together sounded uncomfortable at best and murderously painful at worst. After thought and prayer, I found a compromise:<br />
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I'll spend a few days in London while J works. We'll see each other at the hotel, and that's it. Ships that pass in the night. Then, for the same cost it would have taken to rebook tickets, I'll fly to Malmo, Sweden for 2 days and cross the bridge to Copenhagen, Denmark for 3 more.<br />
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I can't tell you how excited I am!<br />
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I leave in 2 weeks and have already purchased flights, hostels, and made a list of design museums, Nordic Noir sights, and have a goal to swim in the ocean and heat up in a suana, but would love to hear any suggestions!<br />
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Have you been? Where would you eat? What would you do? Any tips for traveling solo? And how do you dress to stay warm and dry while only packing a carry-on bag?<br />
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And while I've been to London before, the same applies there. I know I want to see Baker Street, Tate Modern, and Oxford, but what else is a must-do?<br />
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Thanks in advance!<br />
<br />
{<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/58828338856353189/">image</a>}MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-14072953658408672582014-09-06T17:19:00.000-07:002014-09-06T17:20:09.137-07:00Life is Beautifully Brutal<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ljnp0h-sgjs/VAuhqGQ56vI/AAAAAAAAHR0/nFWI_AyBezE/s1600/efa9a8f645a7522a0047bbfd74689cb7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ljnp0h-sgjs/VAuhqGQ56vI/AAAAAAAAHR0/nFWI_AyBezE/s1600/efa9a8f645a7522a0047bbfd74689cb7.jpg" height="640" width="498" /></a></div>
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I had a long, lovely summer with my parents. I'm so happy that my kids get to experience this every year-- life slowing down, biking to the pool every day, and fishing with Boppa. It's a part of my life that seems covered in a golden glow, as if it's laden with nostalgia even as I'm living it. I treasure it as the beautiful gift that it is.<br />
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Coming home was brutal.<br />
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Remember my <a href="http://melancholysmile.blogspot.com/2013/01/burning-and-rebuilding.html">burning building analogy</a>? It's as if for the last two years, I thought we were re-building the house, but in reality, he's been holding matches behind his back this whole time. He burned down the house again. Then lied about it. Then blamed me.<br />
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We're separated. Again.<br />
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I don't know if we'll make it back together after this one, and it kills me.<br />
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The hardest part is choosing love and happiness every day. I've lived with enough darkness that I don't want to poison myself or my kids with any more, so I let go of the anger. I breathe. I pray. I do yoga. I take it a day at a time. But some days, it feels like I'm Guido on Life is Beautiful, marching around and putting a positive spin on a situation that is genuinly ugly and frightening.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zke6rNhRXyw/VAuWvQ9R6oI/AAAAAAAAHRc/GEIaz0q62h0/s1600/569.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zke6rNhRXyw/VAuWvQ9R6oI/AAAAAAAAHRc/GEIaz0q62h0/s1600/569.jpg" height="425" width="640" /></a></div>
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I'm starting an anonymous blog to talk about this more freely. If you would like the link, email me. I'll give it out as long as you're not J's boss or my father-in-law.<br />
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In the meantime, prepare for vacation photos as I focus on the bliss that was my summer. :)<br />
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{"Cloud Fragment" by<a href="http://www.denverart.com/"> Ken Elliot</a> "Storm in May" by<a href="http://jameslahey.com/index.html"> James Lahey</a>}MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com45tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-38184876944232388382014-07-02T09:40:00.002-07:002014-07-02T09:40:44.168-07:00Stay Cool in the Stupid Heat<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y8NKHYfGw0M/U7QwTU0YPUI/AAAAAAAAGU8/7zjy60zuAGA/s1600/1d84605eb56b05bcf035fbe8f6e14763.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y8NKHYfGw0M/U7QwTU0YPUI/AAAAAAAAGU8/7zjy60zuAGA/s1600/1d84605eb56b05bcf035fbe8f6e14763.jpg" height="640" width="414" /></a></div>
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This is our last week in AZ before we leave to spend the rest of the summer with my parents. Not a moment too soon, because it is STUPID HOT this week-- so much so that I forget the <i>hot</i> part and go around saying, "It's just <i>stupid </i>out here!" ;)<br />
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We lost a chicken to heat exhaustion yesterday. We tried electrolytes, a cooling bath and plenty of watermelon, but it wasn't enough for one of the older hens. Poor Miss C was devastated. With temps pushing 112 today, we're putting ice in their water and setting up a water mister. Hopefully, that keeps the rest of ladies comfortable.<br />
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We humans, however, are huddling in the air conditioning, eating popsicles, and trying not to go crazy with cabin fever. <a href="http://www.meghan-trainor.com/">This song</a> is helping-- I love its mix of R&B with 50's danceability, and the message of body acceptance is awesome. Just what I need now that swimsuit season is staring me down!<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/7PCkvCPvDXk" width="560"></iframe><br />
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Stay cool, everybody!!<br />
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{<a href="http://www.thetappancollective.com/all-artwork/popsicles-230.html">image</a> by <a href="http://evanrobarts.com/">Evan Robarts</a>}MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-24787107153420405602014-06-27T12:41:00.001-07:002014-06-27T12:41:28.435-07:00Time for a Change<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3co4Zefc--I/U63Ft_fLKdI/AAAAAAAAGUo/pXhNlT_rMAA/s1600/26b63989a566754edfcd63f51fbb7dfb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3co4Zefc--I/U63Ft_fLKdI/AAAAAAAAGUo/pXhNlT_rMAA/s1600/26b63989a566754edfcd63f51fbb7dfb.jpg" height="640" width="494" /></a></div>
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A few months ago, this picture was my inspiration for cutting bangs. Of course, I love <i>everything</i> about that picture. The hair, the clothes, the makeup, the bone structure, the scooter-- if I could, I'd just BE her.<br />
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Anyway.<br />
<br />
Since the fog of depression has started lifting {and thus, the urge to make myself invisible}, I'm taking a tiny bit more interest in style. I have a ways to go before I can fit some of my most fashion-forward clothes, but I can <i>totally</i> rock the hair for now. I'm thinking of going ombre {I know, so 2012}. It seems like a good way to get some of my blonde back {which I miss} while staying low{er} maintenance:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gpFiTjWjPvs/U63Ftz7A8GI/AAAAAAAAGUk/pnfrhuV80fQ/s1600/402f5a2cfd4ea2005a332dbe5d310ce2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gpFiTjWjPvs/U63Ftz7A8GI/AAAAAAAAGUk/pnfrhuV80fQ/s1600/402f5a2cfd4ea2005a332dbe5d310ce2.jpg" height="640" width="434" /></a></div>
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Is that the same model? I think I'm obsessed with her.<br />
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Where do you find yourself dipping your toes into fashion? Shoes? Jewelry? {Stuff that always fits!} I wish I was better about dressing the body I'm in, but part of me cringes at the cost-- it seems like a 'waste' if I'm planning on changing sizes soon. But perhaps that's just an excuse. After all, I'm skilled at taking clothes in, and the boost to morale when I dress my body lovingly and proudly can't be given a price.<br />
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Yep, pretty sure I'm fixin' to go shopping. :)<br />
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Happy weekend, all!<br />
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{<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/84231455503665376/">image 1</a>, <a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/84231455505174366/">image 2</a>}MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-80447108422304880092014-06-25T16:00:00.000-07:002014-06-26T13:50:33.541-07:00A Bathroom Makeover...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7Eqjl1Vd6rs/UqnTa91l5HI/AAAAAAAAF_Y/yoZHG8gchsA/s1600/IMG_6302.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7Eqjl1Vd6rs/UqnTa91l5HI/AAAAAAAAF_Y/yoZHG8gchsA/s640/IMG_6302.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
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... in iphone photos. Because I'm lazy like that. :)<br />
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This happened <i>ages</i> ago, back when I was in my never-ending-depression-of-doom. At the time, projects were the only thing that got me out of bed. That and chocolate.<br />
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Now, ideally, if we were going to put money into remodeling a bathroom, it would be MY bathroom, not the kids'. Unfortunately, theirs took precedence once they'd flooded it one time too many and we ended up with water dripping thru the ceiling into the living room. Like so:<br />
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{I know it's odd to have an outlet in the ceiling, but we had the room wired for a projector. Then we bought a flatscreen and the projector never happened.}<br />
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Anyhow, this is where the kids' bathroom started:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bBhGqTayvU0/UqnUY6B75KI/AAAAAAAAGAk/_LSYIlm1Ld4/s1600/IMG_6063.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bBhGqTayvU0/UqnUY6B75KI/AAAAAAAAGAk/_LSYIlm1Ld4/s640/IMG_6063.JPG" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
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I know. <i>Breathtaking</i>. I remember thinking that this particular green color {Martha Stewart's Hellebore} was so fresh. ha! Instead, it has always made me feel a bit seasick in there. Hindsight.<br />
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The fan is there to dry out what we thought was the subfloor. {It wasn't.}We ended up ripping that layer of particle board out, much to my relief. It looked too damaged to save.<br />
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I was determined to make the place more waterproof, which meant tile, tile, tile! We went to a local discount tile warehouse and picked out this baby:<br />
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J really wanted a classic black and white checkerboard, but the basket weave felt more interesting to me. Also, it was a mosaic tile on a mesh background, which meant 1} they would be less likely to crack in an upstairs location, and 2) that tile-cutting would be much easier than it would be with large tiles.<br />
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After ripping out the particle board, we laid cement board {waterproof!} and then started putting in tile. Since the entire room was going to be a big mess, I also took the opportunity to paint the bathroom cabinets white, using the same BM Advance Paint that I used on my kitchen cabinets:<br />
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This is where I ran out of tile. {Math has never been my strong suite.} Back to the store!<br />
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After spending hours tiling, my eyes were at risk of developing permanent damage if forced to look at that green for one more second. I mixed every left-over can of blue paint I had and rolled over the kermit color.<br />
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So much better:</div>
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After all that came grouting! E was dying to help out, and I wasn't about to stop him. :) It turned out to be quite fun on the subway tile. For the floor, we used black grout and it was SOOOO messy. I think I was a bit over-vigourous in wiping it clean. I like the grout to feel flush with the tile-- not to divot in at all-- and I didn't quite achieve that with the floor. Still, it's a vast improvement over the laminate that was there before, and it feels good on the feet.<br />
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Just when J thought this project couldn't possibly cost another cent, I also went out and bought a new shower curtain, some shelves, hooks, and frames. You know, necessities.</div>
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I have to say, I loooooove it. Especially having hooks instead of a towel rod. Chances of having a towel actually make it off the floor increased from 0% to <i>at least</i> 10%.</div>
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This all happened back in November, which is really when I should have been doing outdoor stuff. Now it's 108 degrees outside and I'm stuck indoors when what I <i>really</i> want to do is build my shed. :( Brilliant planning on my part, I know.<br />
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Anyone have awesome projects in the works? Do tell.<br />
<br />MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-42656947672689750032014-06-23T16:01:00.002-07:002014-06-23T16:01:55.485-07:00Would I?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"I would never do that," J said the other day in reference to a friend's recent life choices. "And as a parent, I would never enable it."<div>
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He was looking to me to agree with him. <i>Yes</i>, he needed to hear, <i>our lives would never, ever look like that. We are more responsible. We are more spiritually in tune. We follow God's guidance and thus would never be put in that kind of situation.</i></div>
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But I didn't reassure him. I couldn't.</div>
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*****</div>
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Too often in my life, I've felt I was on the receiving end of the "I would never..." statement.</div>
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"I would never live in a tent!" said to imply that my father-- the hardest working, most faithful man I know-- was selfishly pursuing a dream at the expense of providing for his family. </div>
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"I would never give birth at home!" said to imply that I, as a homebirther, was a glutton for pain, hated doctors, and would foolishly disregard the safety of my child in the pursuit of some hippy ideal.</div>
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"I would never stay in that kind of marriage!" said to imply that if I did, I somehow lacked self-respect.</div>
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"I would never let myself go like that!" said to imply that gaining weight would be tantamount to failing as a woman.</div>
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"I would never have so many/so few children."</div>
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"I would never spend my money that way."</div>
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"I would never raise my kid like that."</div>
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"I would never say that, think that, do that, believe that, eat that, endure that, trust that, hope that, live that, suffer that, decide that, deny myself that, etc, etc, etc."</div>
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The truth is, none of us can say, "I would never" with any certainty. </div>
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There is a story that should be familiar to members of the <a href="http://mormon.org/">Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints</a>, of the Martin Handcart Company. The <a href="http://mormon.org/">Mormon</a> pioneers that made up the company were converts who had emigrated from Europe and were too poor to buy oxen or horses and a wagon. They were forced by their poverty to pull handcarts containing all of their belongings across the plains by their own brute strength. They left late in the season. Many died of exposure and starvation. </div>
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Years later, a teacher, conducting a sunday school class, said it was unwise to attempt, even to permit, the handcart company to come across the plains under such conditions. This comment sparked sharp criticism of the Church and its leaders among the class participants. </div>
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An old man in the corner listened for as long as he could stand it, then stood and said, in essence, "You are discussing a matter you know nothing about. I and my wife were in that company. We suffered beyond anything you can imagine, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism?</div>
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"I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and said, I can only go that far and then I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.</div>
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"I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.</div>
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"Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then, nor any minute of my life since. <i><b>The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay</b></i>, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company."</div>
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I think the essence of the "I would never" statement is fear. What it really means is, "Please say that that would never be asked of me." It means, "Please say that if I make all the right decisions, my life won't be painful in that way." It means, "Please tell me that I actually have control of my life."</div>
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I don't think that life is an equation. That if I take righteous desires and add hard work and good intentions, it equals success as I envision it. Yes, God wants people to provide for their families, but that doesn't mean that good people never starve or go homeless. Yes, God wants children to be raised by loving parents, but that doesn't mean that loving couples never suffer infertility. We've all heard it: <i>bad things happen to good people. </i></div>
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"But what about agency?" J asks, "Don't you believe that some bad things happen because people make really bad choices?" </div>
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Yes, I do. And yes, I've gotten all judg-y about some choices that people have made. I tend to see things very black and white, right or wrong, and it's hard to keep my heart open when I feel like someone is flushing their life down the toilet and hurting others in the process. </div>
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But haven't I flushed my own life a few times? Haven't I made bad choices? Haven't I scarred people along the way? </div>
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I'm not going to make it through this life without making mistakes, both inadvertent and intentional. But all those failures and bull-headed blunders and depressive bouts and holy-schnikes-I-didn't-ask-for-this-in-my-life pains have drawn me closer to God. </div>
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I've learned. I've grown. I wouldn't change things {even though I don't want to live them over again either.}</div>
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Our discussion was becoming heated. J kept saying, "How can you think that what so-and-so is doing is okay?" and I kept saying, "How can you think it's our place to judge?" </div>
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It wasn't until later that we realized that what he <i>meant</i> was, "I'm afraid that you would make the same choice if we were in the same circumstance," and what I <i>meant</i> was, "I'm afraid that your version of a righteous and successful life might not match our eventual reality."</div>
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Once it boiled down to fear, we were able to finally let it go. </div>
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This person's life is not our life. Their journey doesn't have to make sense to us in order for us to love them. I'm sure our journey doesn't make sense to others from the outside looking in. We all have a price to pay to become acquainted with God. All I can hope is that I can find compassion for others on their way, and recognize that mine is a privilege to pay. </div>
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<a href="http://www.timjohnsonartist.com/blog/between-sea-and-sky.html">image 1</a> and <a href="http://www.timjohnsonartist.com/photoblog/2013/1/20/20130118-on-the-way-to-work.html">image 2</a> by amazing photographer Tim Johnson, <a href="https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/02/refined-in-our-trials?lang=eng">link to a more full account of the Martin Handcart Company</a></div>
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MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-37256824701897171462014-06-21T06:00:00.000-07:002014-06-26T13:50:49.870-07:00Alaska Cruise: Part 6<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The way J's eyes lit up when he saw our train was <i>exactly</i> the way I felt in Juneau. Trains are J's Kayaks. :)<br />
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Originally, the whole family had talked about renting a few cars to drive to Anchorage. J heard that plan and countered it with a scenic, glass topped train ride.<br />
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Good call.</div>
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Even if nature's majesty was wasted on some:</div>
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I know it's redundant to keep talking about how beautiful Alaska is, but really! It was SO beautiful. Like, fill up your soul beautiful. Like, breathe it all in beautiful. Like, spend every minute outside so you can bask in it beautiful. </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qX3rfiiCaRw/U6R_90S2_GI/AAAAAAAAGSA/MopW3TXqsqs/s1600/IMG_0473.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qX3rfiiCaRw/U6R_90S2_GI/AAAAAAAAGSA/MopW3TXqsqs/s1600/IMG_0473.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a><br />
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I'm sure that like Washington, it's an entirely different story in the winter, {Constant cloud cover + impassable snow + deep, dark days = sadness for this girl} which is why my new motto is-- <i>this is why God invented snowbirds. </i></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zeWmiBQXkBw/U6R_9QX5IYI/AAAAAAAAGR8/gjUT-NOWmkI/s1600/IMG_0463.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zeWmiBQXkBw/U6R_9QX5IYI/AAAAAAAAGR8/gjUT-NOWmkI/s1600/IMG_0463.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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So green! So rugged! Only our Seattle resident looks nonplussed.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QYUhUbMgsNk/U6R_8ta1tLI/AAAAAAAAGRw/kGpGG-BXWlU/s1600/IMG_0409.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-QYUhUbMgsNk/U6R_8ta1tLI/AAAAAAAAGRw/kGpGG-BXWlU/s1600/IMG_0409.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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And, of course, we have a GoPro time laps taken from this angle:</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sOh37bMoRug/U6R_75YicsI/AAAAAAAAGRk/Kp1F6lIYadw/s1600/G0046450.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sOh37bMoRug/U6R_75YicsI/AAAAAAAAGRk/Kp1F6lIYadw/s1600/G0046450.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
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Thanks to the quickly approaching Summer Solstice, we had super-slow sunsets.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FrAm9arJnx4/U6R_99-TLHI/AAAAAAAAGSQ/ef29eNeZ5po/s1600/IMG_0487.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FrAm9arJnx4/U6R_99-TLHI/AAAAAAAAGSQ/ef29eNeZ5po/s1600/IMG_0487.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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I had to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUsWUiVCq5U&list=PLzMhsCgGKd1grBtVxCcHTbNgdAbPEllGY">look up the phenomenon</a> when we got home.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A71XGj2uWg4/U6R_89j3HqI/AAAAAAAAGR0/xVlGwbM8bZ0/s1600/IMG_0424.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A71XGj2uWg4/U6R_89j3HqI/AAAAAAAAGR0/xVlGwbM8bZ0/s1600/IMG_0424.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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It felt like the sun was suspended near the horizon endlessly, making for some truly compulsive photo taking. :)</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y_clCK7c9bE/U6R_-VyPTNI/AAAAAAAAGSI/rpfvCjcRqiE/s1600/IMG_0501.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y_clCK7c9bE/U6R_-VyPTNI/AAAAAAAAGSI/rpfvCjcRqiE/s1600/IMG_0501.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a><br />
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Of course, J saved his biggest reactions for the train whistle. His brother caught this spontaneous show of excitement:</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7PAUbSJ0LAw/U6SAfsG5v_I/AAAAAAAAGTg/wBvRDh-Y_00/s1600/IMG_8563.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7PAUbSJ0LAw/U6SAfsG5v_I/AAAAAAAAGTg/wBvRDh-Y_00/s1600/IMG_8563.JPG" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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That's my guy. :) He didn't sit down the entire 3 hour train ride, even though he was tired and sore from our hike. It was a great way to say goodbye to Alaska!</div>
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<br />MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-14437543342275789612014-06-20T11:38:00.001-07:002014-06-20T11:38:19.939-07:00Alaska Cruise: Part 5<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hjF7ABqzXhw/U6R1VRpSMfI/AAAAAAAAGPo/FMNhw5_v1Jo/s1600/IMG_0299.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hjF7ABqzXhw/U6R1VRpSMfI/AAAAAAAAGPo/FMNhw5_v1Jo/s1600/IMG_0299.jpg" height="640" width="426" /></a></div>
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Our last port was Seward, where we decided to hike Harding Trail overlooking Exit Glacier. It's supposed to be a 6-8 hour hike, but we only had 4 hours to dedicate to it.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nBo_fJshv7g/U6R1XbX35OI/AAAAAAAAGQI/1tFnTUt7Ay0/s1600/IMG_5537.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nBo_fJshv7g/U6R1XbX35OI/AAAAAAAAGQI/1tFnTUt7Ay0/s1600/IMG_5537.jpg" height="640" width="478" /></a></div>
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I carried the camera bag, but was so excited by the challenge of the climb that I never remembered to take it out. Consequently, we have a lot of pictures taken by J's iPhone of my backside. ;)<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-a6YxdipuChk/U6R1VYc5EnI/AAAAAAAAGPk/JMq_Zx5JJUQ/s1600/IMG_0305.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-a6YxdipuChk/U6R1VYc5EnI/AAAAAAAAGPk/JMq_Zx5JJUQ/s1600/IMG_0305.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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I did get one photo of a marmot, though. It looks like a tiny groundhog here, but it was <i>big</i>. We discovered throughout the course of this trip that J always spots {and gets excited by} the animals when we're out in nature. I, on the other hand, like the views, vegetation, and physical exertion.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z_qICH05xj0/U6R1ZoPvTuI/AAAAAAAAGQ0/jwVpe3-n4EM/s1600/IMG_5559.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Z_qICH05xj0/U6R1ZoPvTuI/AAAAAAAAGQ0/jwVpe3-n4EM/s1600/IMG_5559.jpg" height="478" width="640" /></a></div>
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The trail was <i>beautiful</i>. Mountains, trees, flowers, waterfalls-- with each subtle change in elevation, there was something new to see.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-m9TsrmkvyxE/U6R1WqXni8I/AAAAAAAAGQQ/tXWY0lGT41o/s1600/IMG_5534.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-m9TsrmkvyxE/U6R1WqXni8I/AAAAAAAAGQQ/tXWY0lGT41o/s1600/IMG_5534.jpg" height="478" width="640" /></a></div>
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While I still have plenty of post-depression junk in my trunk, I felt pretty fit. I was bounding up rocky stairways and speeding up the rough trail to try and get as far as we could in our limited time frame. We were both soaked in sweat by the time we got to the glacier overlook.<br />
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At this point, we were passed by a man <i>running</i> up the trail. Not just jogging. He was full out running! As it turns out, Seward is famous for a race up the nearly vertical face of Mt Marathon every 4th of July. This guy was training for it, and $%&@ if I didn't feel suddenly very out of shape! I was impressed. And jealous. And adding Mt Marathon to my bucket list.<br />
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J did not feel the same way. Once we passed the tree line and started hiking the switchbacks in snow up to our shins, he began to peter out and fall behind. We wanted to make it to the trail's end {or at least as far as the emergency shelter} but had to turn back or risk missing our ride. We could have done it if we'd had another 45 minutes. </div>
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Even so, I was so happy to get a <i>real</i> hike. As I kept telling J, being outdoors and really <i>using</i> my body had become extremely cathartic for me. I was able to stop berating myself for not looking the way I think I 'should' look, and instead could really relish all that my body is capable of <i>doing</i>. I felt vibrant and healthy and truly <b>alive</b>.<br />
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At the top, we ran out of water. Disobeying every instinct my mom instilled in me, we found a stream of pure glacier runoff and {hoping it wouldn't kill us} filled our water bottles with the icy cold water.<br />
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Soooo good. And I'm still alive, so, there you go. :)<br />
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Then we hiked down {not nearly as fun as going up}, caught our shuttle back to town, and had a fish lunch before catching our train to Anchorage.<br />
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I already miss having fresh fish every single day. :( Seward, you were awesome. See you again for the Mt Marathon race. Someday.<br />
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<br />MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-79948434143999351552014-06-17T06:00:00.000-07:002014-06-17T06:00:02.035-07:00Alaska Cruise: Part 4<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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After Skagway, we had our second of only two non-port days. After all our kayaking and hiking, we were looking forward to relaxing a little. But first, we made sure to wake up at 6am to claim a coveted spot on the helipad as we cruised up to Hubbard Glacier.</div>
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Ever wonder what it would look like if you clipped a GoPro to the railing of a cruise ship? Of course you have! And now you know:</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9Ec74KEskEI/U59WyXoNxjI/AAAAAAAAGLw/2JrC_4oQFQM/s1600/G0035944.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9Ec74KEskEI/U59WyXoNxjI/AAAAAAAAGLw/2JrC_4oQFQM/s1600/G0035944.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
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J and I were both fascinated by the cloudy green glacier water. Also: the crunching and shuddering of the ship as we plowed thru ice was both disconcerting and thrilling. </div>
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The early hour combined with the proximity to the glacier and the windchill on the exposed deck all made for a <i>freezing</i> few hours of sightseeing. {poor Lu!}</div>
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I only managed an hour and a half before retreating behind a glassed in viewing room. {There were some in our group who never made it outside of their rooms. Lucky balcony owners!}</div>
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We saw several harbor seals basking on the icebergs as we approached.</div>
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And then finally we drew close enough to hear the massive thundering of the calving glacier:</div>
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It was almost constant-- a series of terrifying cracking noises followed by the massive splash and tumbling of ice. It looks so tiny in pictures, and yet those ice chunks could crush a fishing vessel.<br />
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Again, the blue ice did not disappoint.<br />
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Amazingly, the Captain only made a few rotations before heading back to open water. Those who didn't make it out to the deck before 9am missed it <i>all</i>. At least these two fanatics caught every last second on film {multiple angles, several formats, with at least three different cameras} despite the frigid cold:<br />
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Nuttiness runs in the family.<br />
<br />MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-19039851919338664362014-06-16T14:23:00.002-07:002014-06-16T14:23:26.874-07:00Alaska Cruise: Part 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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You know how sometimes returning from vacation can send you into a funk? Because <i>reality</i>. And <i>dishes</i>. And <i>108 degree heat</i>.<br />
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Well, we've been back for a week, and I'm still on a high. I think it's safe to say that this upswing in my mood is more than just residual vacation bliss, and is, in fact, a chemical shift. I haven't felt this effortlessly happy since... wow. Since I very first went on anti-depressants. I'll have to do a more in-depth post on all of that, but for now, suffice it to say that I feel <i>good</i>.<br />
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Next up in our tour de Alaska: Skagway.<br />
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Right off the boat, we found two of our favorite things-- a VW Bus for him, and two beautiful wooden kayaks for her. :)</div>
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Skagway is an Alaskan gold-rush town. It had that cool frontier/railroad vibe, and of course J was obsessed with the train history. The building above had the date 1899 on it. I have no idea what it was used for, but the decorated facade was certainly interesting.<br />
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J loved all the train stuff. Apparently, this is how one clears snow off of train tracks in Alaska:<br />
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Part of our group had booked a fishing trip while the rest of us took a bus up to the Canadian border and the Yukon. It wasn't as adventurous as striking out on our own, but we did get to hike to a waterfall:</div>
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Photograph some amazing scenery:<br />
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Watch a black bear fresh out of hibernation:<br />
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And sing "Silver and Gold" in front of the Yukon sign:<br />
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Honestly, it was incredibly beautiful. All the lakes and rivers had an iridescent blue-green quality due to the silt in the glacier runoff. The trees at the highest altitudes were two hundred years old, and yet only came up to my waist since they grow in such harsh conditions. And the mountains!<br />
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I had to keep saying it: "Now <i>that's</i> a mountain!" Even though J gave me this look every time I did:<br />
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Worth it.MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-34807030947640269362014-06-13T10:08:00.003-07:002014-06-13T10:08:38.030-07:00Alaska Cruise: Part Deux<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Even now, when I look back on Juneau, it seems surreal-- the crisp air, the towering, misty mountains, and most of all, the <i>blue ice</i>.<br />
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Before our trip, I'd told J that if we could only do one thing in Alaska, I'd want to see ice caves. I found a company called <a href="http://beyondak.com/">Above & Beyond Alaska</a> that guides challenging 6 hour hikes up Mendenhall Glacier, where you don crampons and marvel at the caves created by the melting ice. But it was <i>$200 per person</i>, and after J's car broke down {for the 2nd time!} in the weeks before we left, I knew it wasn't going to be financially feasible.<br />
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We decided to hike on our own instead. It was a grey day with a constant, spitting rain. We took the shuttle to Mendenhall and took a {paved} trail to the waterfall overlooking Glacier Lake. It <i>was</i> gorgeous, if not physically challenging. The lake was filled with icebergs caused by the glacial calving, and even from shore, they were a bright turquoise blue.<br />
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And then I saw the kayakers. </div>
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Just two of them gliding along the lake and navigating the ice alone, so close to the blue, they could <i>touch</i> it. </div>
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The day before, I'd discovered in Icy Straits how much I <i>loved</i> to kayak. The power of using my body to propel myself thru the water; the serenity of being so near the surface; the exhilaration of exploring nature in a way that seemed silent and unnoticed and <i>one</i>-- all of it combined to create a supremely zen experience. </div>
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I saw those kayakers and turned to J with my eyes alight. <i>"I want to go to there,"</i> I exclaimed.</div>
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As it turns out, the same company that guides glacier hikes {<a href="http://beyondak.com/">Above & Beyond Alaska</a>} rents the kayaks. They outfit you in rain gear, give you a quick safety rundown, and then drop you off for 4 hours of <i>self guided</i> exploration on the lake. HEAVEN!</div>
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It was breathtaking. Awe-inspiring. Thrilling. Every similar adjective you can think up, it applies. It was absolutely the highlight of the entire trip, and by the time we were finished {sweating, sore arms, and with manic grins plastered to our faces} I declared, "Give me an ocean and a kayak, and I'll be a happy woman!"<br />
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And that was just Day 4. Pinch me!<br />
<br />MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-60025686580329368022014-06-12T00:37:00.000-07:002014-06-12T00:37:28.031-07:00Alaska Cruise: Part 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello internets! Yes, I'm still alive! And thanks to some tinkering with my meds and the removal of my Mirena (big surprise: hormonal birth control and I do <i>not</i> get along) I'm feeling far less anxious and depressed. It's early days yet, but I'm still hopeful that this is the beginning of a mental upswing for me. Having recently returned from an amazing vacation hasn't hurt, either! :) </div>
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J's parents are celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary this year, so to celebrate, their 6 children + spouses joined them on a cruise to Alaska. I'll be honest, J and I were both wary-- it seemed like a <i>lot</i> of money to have to spend on something we assumed would be a floating hotel and buffet, {Wall*E anyone?} and I didn't want to end up having resentments. <br />
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But my mother in law is persistent, and with everyone else fully on board, we knew it wasn't really an option to bow out. So we gathered the money, bribed an overqualified and soft-hearted SIL to watch the kids, and embarked with <i>very</i> low expectations. At the very least, I wouldn't have to cook or do dishes for 9 days, right?</div>
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Holy Freakin' Awesomesauce, did we have fun! </div>
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Every so often, J would see my expression, sigh, and say, "Go ahead. I know you want to." With relish, I'd exclaim, "Now THAT'S a mountain!!" I hadn't realized how often I tend to point out the fact that Arizona doesn't have 'real' mountains once I go home to the Northwest. </div>
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Next was Icy Straits Point, a small island village that used to receive all its revenue from the local fish-packing plant. Now it boasts a zip-line, kayaking, whale watching, and a bear population that outnumbers humans 5 to 1! Also, the fish-packing-plant-turned-museum-and-gift-shop is actually pretty cool.</div>
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J, of course, adored the wildlife. Fifteen years ago, on our honeymoon, he got distracted by a bald eagle perched outside our window. I was left twiddling my thumbs in bed and I haven't let him live it down since. :) In Icy Straits, he spent hours snapping photos of the bald eagles. We have pictures of them flying, fishing, nesting, eating and more. Hopefully, bald eagles are <i>finally</i> out of his system. </div>
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But the eagles weren't the only excitement! We watched as three humpback whales bubbled and fed. {and so did <i>that</i> lady-- I love her shocked expression!} They were HUGE and amazing and, since we saw them from the shore, <i>totally</i> worth the $300 we didn't spend on a whale-watching tour. :)</div>
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And this was only 3 days in! More to come in Alaska Cruise: Part Duex.<br />
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<i>"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." -The Princess Bride</i><br />
<br />
I had a rough weekend.<br />
<br />
It started with a terrible dream, followed by an extended bout of insomnia that left me in a fog of anxiety and discomfort. We were scheduled to have a family dinner Sunday night, but my mounting insecurity led me to send J and the kids without me.<br />
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While avoiding a social event <i>seemed</i> the most <a href="http://melancholysmile.blogspot.com/2014/01/be-gentle.html">gentle</a> choice for myself, I wondered why it was {and is} that so often I become obsessively ashamed of my body when I'm depressed. What had started out as feeling just a little off-kilter and sad had quickly transformed into a full-fledged case of self-loathing.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i> I couldn't possibly be in the presence of normal, attractive people and pretend to be one of them</i>, I thought. <i>They would see right through me. Being caught trying to walk among them would be torture of the highest order. An unredeemable embarrassment</i>.<br />
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I knew, at least on some level, that these thoughts were ridiculous; self-defeating and entirely unhelpful. But where do they come from? They're like a well-worn path that my brain unconsciously treads with the slightest provocation. The ease with which I walk it must mean I've thought this way for a long, long time. I reason that even the most hurtful coping mechanisms were-- once upon a time-- just that. Coping mechanisms.<br />
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My theory is this: a long time ago, I was a teenager with very little control of my life, and a very high level of fear surrounding that. It felt powerful and affirming to set goals {run 4 miles} and achieve them. It was meditative and calming to know that whatever else happened, I could succeed in controlling my body.<br />
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It was healthy until it wasn't.<br />
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Because somewhere along the line, it stopped being simply a means of <i>dealing</i> with pain and fear, and became a hoped-for <i>cure</i> to pain and fear.<br />
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Instead of thinking, <i>I'll feel happier after I go running</i> I'd think, <i>I wouldn't be so sad if I looked like a real runner.</i><br />
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Instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment as I achieved goals, I began seeing my unmet, unrealistic goals {to look like a model} as the source of all that was wrong with my life. I wanted to feel complete-- inoculated from all dissatisfaction and uncertainty. I wanted to be a finished product.<br />
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I still do this. Unknowingly, yes, but still-- whenever uncomfortable feelings start to overwhelm me, I tread that well-worn path of thought. <i>If I could fit those old size 0 jeans, this wouldn't hurt me so much. </i>Aside from being patently untrue, thoughts like these inevitably lead to shame and despise, not motivation. I sink into a pit of despair.<br />
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What snaps me out of it is often a variation on a theme. {It seems I must learn the same lesson, over and over again.} I remember that when the Buddha was asked to reveal the meaning of life, he replied, "<b>Life is pain</b>." A rather macabre statement, but one that I find oddly comforting. I looked it up; In fact, the inescapability of pain is the <i>first</i> of the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths">Four Noble Truths</a>.<br />
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Remembering that life is pain frees me from reading too much into painful experiences. Pain does NOT mean that I'm unworthy of happiness until I'm thinner or richer or admired or what-have-you. Pain does not mean God is punishing me, or testing me, or playing cruel games with me. Pain does not mean that I'm just pessimistic and could be blindingly happy if I would look on the bright side. Pain is just <i>life, </i>and remembering that saves me from wasting my time hopelessly trying to avoid it.<br />
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I had a therapist once who said that the degree to which we open ourselves to pain is the degree to which we open ourselves to joy. That we cannot experience one without the other, and that when we live in fear or pursuit of only one, we live a half life.<br />
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I think of all the good people in this world who have suffered and yet done heroic, good things with their lives. I think of how none of us ever has true control over anything. I think of how little it matters in the end what dress size I wear. I think of all the small yet sacred things I can do with my time if only I wouldn't allow fear of pain to derail me.<br />
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I'm trying to condense all these thoughts into a concise mantra I can feed myself as I tread a new path of thought in my brain: "I am not my body. Life is pain. Embrace it. Look for God in it."<br />
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Baby steps, people.<br />
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{<a href="http://www.saatchionline.com/art/Printmaking-Martin-Eden/128953/199804/view">image</a>}<br />
<br />MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-83701465673818564642014-01-20T12:15:00.003-07:002014-01-20T12:15:59.058-07:00Monday Links<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My posts this month are all rather single-minded-- quite a reflection on how I tend to get. :) But changing my self-perception is no small feat! As I've pursued it with increasing vigor, I've become convinced that body shame and self-objectification is a <i>pervasive, deeply entrenched </i>ailment among women. The more I learn about it, the more I long for all of us to shake off the shackles and own our true potential.<br />
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Don't know where to start? Here are some of the resources I've found that have helped me recently:<br />
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<a href="http://www.beautyredefined.net/">Beauty Redefined </a>couples telling-it-like-it-is {on everything from <a href="http://www.beautyredefined.net/photoshopping-altering-images-and-our-minds/">photoshopping</a> to <a href="http://www.beautyredefined.net/anti-aging-and-symbolic-annihilation/">ageism</a>} with empowering step-by-step guides to developing media literacy and <a href="http://www.beautyredefined.net/not-picture-perfect-bounce-back-from-a-body-image-blow/">dealing with our own negative thoughts</a>. I've found it so enlightening, I've started re-reading a few posts every morning just to ensure that they stay on the forefront of my mind.<br />
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I love the way <a href="http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/">Weightless</a> encourages me to <a href="http://melancholysmile.blogspot.com/2014/01/be-gentle.html">be gentle</a>.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.viviennemcmasterphotography.com/blog/">Cultivating self-love through self-portraiture</a>.<br />
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Turn off the television, put down the magazine and start enjoying<a href="http://lovelifestudio.org/#!/"> real women</a>, face to face.<br />
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I love that Mara doesn't shy away from talking about <a href="http://www.ablogaboutlove.com/2011/10/most-important-things-ive-ever-learned.html">the deep stuff</a>.<br />
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The <a href="http://melvfitness.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/transformation-or-few-simple-tweeks.html">truth behind before and after photos</a>.<br />
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Feed your soul. I took my cue from Nicole and <a href="http://makingitlovely.com/2013/12/18/watercolor-painting-inspiration/">have started painting again</a>.<br />
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Have a great MLK Day everyone!<br />
<br />MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-49327430251499146522014-01-16T21:02:00.000-07:002014-01-16T21:02:09.836-07:00Be Gentle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This morning, I met my own eyes in the mirror and it felt like it'd been ages since I'd truly seen myself.<br />
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That is, I see my reflection every day, <i>of course.</i><br />
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One must.<br />
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I check my outfit. I floss my teeth. I apply mascara. But I've become expert at seeing only the pieces. Thighs that are too wide for that skirt. Legs that could use some high heels. Under-eye circles that should be covered. I reduce myself to a list of flaws to be masked or fixed, never looking too long or allowing myself to dwell on the whole. Reflective surfaces are almost as bad as scales for producing shame and disgust within me.<br />
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No wonder it's so difficult to face myself.<br />
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But this morning I met my own eyes in the mirror and instead of quickly looking away in embarrassment, I lingered. I saw my own pain.<br />
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<i>"You poor thing,"</i> I thought involuntarily.<br />
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It's been a difficult two years. It shows in my face; in my posture; in everything, I expect. Instead of dismissing my softly plumping body with revulsion, I found myself feeling an overwhelming sense of compassion.<br />
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There have been days when I can't get out of bed. Days when I live off of carbs. Days where I have to ignore all my own feelings and function for the kids. I've run miles and miles in search of endorphins and drugged myself with pounds upon pounds of chocolate. I've been faithful and discouraged, strong and fragile, vulnerable and steadfast. I do not begrudge myself the hours I've sat on a couch, wrapped in a blanket as I ate my stress. I deserved some ice cream amidst the demise of my life. <i>But today</i>, I thought, <i>today I deserve more</i>.<br />
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<i>I should take you for a walk in the sun</i>. <i> </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I should feed you something hearty and nourishing.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I should read you a book full of wit and humor. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>You've been through a lot. I need to be gentle with you. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
My self-directed thoughts were so uncharacteristically tender, I felt tears prick my eyes. I think that for quite some time now, my soul has longed to be seen. My body has longed to be respected. It felt <i>right</i> to honor them both.<br />
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I wrote "Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought" on my bathroom mirror. I think it's my mantra for the year as I strive to acknowledge my own worth and treat myself accordingly. If I can be gentle with myself, I think it only follows that I will be more gentle with others as well.<br />
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The world could use a little more gentle.<br />
<br />
{<a href="http://margaritageorgiadis.webs.com/apps/photos/photo?photoid=126191130">image</a>}MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995129684573254340.post-34078905870328928912014-01-10T12:11:00.000-07:002014-01-10T12:15:24.883-07:00Mirage<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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J and I were driving home from a party one night. I was deep in my own head, staring out the window when J asked what was wrong.<br />
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I had to explain that one of the guests had been talking about her nutrition class at the university. She'd been required to step inside a machine that measured body fat, and she {acting all demure and modest} reported the result to us. Her percentage was miniscule. As in, I've only ever heard of a number that low in men who were marathon training.<br />
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Instantly, I felt like a failure. My clothes felt uncomfortable. My SKIN felt uncomfortable. I wanted to crawl outside of myself. I felt like a <i>thing</i> unworthy of even taking up space. For the rest of the evening, I'd withdrawn to a corner of the room and tried to survive the onslaught of feelings.<br />
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However, If depression has taught me anything, it's been to examine and question my own thoughts. Before J interrupted my reverie, I'd been in the midst of some major self talk.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>If my body fat percentage were lower than hers, would it actually make me <b>better</b> than her? </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>What if I were in a car crash and became burned or disfigured, would I suddenly be worth <b>less</b>?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Can I only feel good about myself if I feel <b>better</b> than the other women in the room? Don't I actually hate that? </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I've seen other women look at me and feel bad about themselves. I always have to jump in and proclaim "This tan is fake!" "I'm wearing spanx!" "I'm just having a good hair day!" I feel like a <b>fraud</b> that has simply succeeded in fooling everyone.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>If I don't <b>want</b> to feel better than other women-- if I don't <b>believe</b> I am better than other women-- why do I allow myself to feel worse? Less than?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Isn't this a no-win situation? Isn't this a distraction? Something to keep me discouraged so that I can't do wonderful, inspiring things with my time? Isn't beauty all just a mirage?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
And just like that, I felt a moment of clarity. I'd been torturing myself like<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sneetches_and_Other_Stories"> the plain-bellied sneetches with no stars upon thars.</a><br />
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Beauty does has a place in life. I appreciate beauty. I create beauty. I seek beauty.<br />
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But beauty is not the <i>purpose</i> of life.<br />
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In fact, if I allow myself to get lost in the world's narrow definition of beauty, I actually miss out on <i>seeing</i>, <i>appreciating</i>, <i>creating</i> and <i>becoming</i>. I think the unfathomable potential we all have is really, truly beautiful. <br />
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We are taught that even Jesus "hath no form nor comeliness: and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him." {Isaiah 53:2} <i>The greatest of them all didn't even match the world's expectation of beauty. </i><br />
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I find that freeing.<br />
<i><br /></i>MelancholySmilehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04111279059498208927noreply@blogger.com3