So Happy

After three days on the medication, my anxiety over taking it has started to give way to gratitude. I hadn't even realized quite how depressed I was until I knew what if felt like to be happy again! Here are some of the small changes I've noticed:

• I sleep because I'm tired, not because I want to escape the day, my life, my pain.
• I no longer wake up with that horrible weight in my chest. Instead, I feel light and energetic.
• Goodness, I smile! Smiling feels so effortless!
• I look my kids in the eye when I'm talking to them. Before, making eye contact with people was very difficult.
• I talk to my kids more. Before, I said only what was necessary: instructions, reprimands, and demands to be quiet
• I'm no longer sensitive to sounds! I was living with an almost constant headache. Now, it's gone.
• Before, all my energy was focused inward, devoted to containing my feelings. Keeping them from spilling out. Making myself not take things out on the people around me. Now, my energy is focused outward. I can pay attention to people, and be compassionate towards them. I have more empathy and love and interest. 
• Mostly, I'm so happy. It's not that I never felt happy before, but they were moments, and they were few and far between. Now, it's like happiness is my default setting. I'm still in awe of it.

I do have a few side effects. My mouth is dry, so I'm forced to bring water with me when I run. I'm a little dizzy and jittery, but it's starting to lessen. Mostly, my appetite is suppressed. I can feel my stomach growling, and be light headed with hunger, but still have no desire to eat. I've had to make myself eat every time I feed the kids just so that I remember to do it. 

While being on medication is still not my ideal situation, I am so thankful that it works. It's nice to feel like me again. {image via ffffound}