7.25.2008

So Happy

After three days on the medication, my anxiety over taking it has started to give way to gratitude. I hadn't even realized quite how depressed I was until I knew what if felt like to be happy again! Here are some of the small changes I've noticed:
  • I sleep because I'm tired, not because I want to escape the day, my life, my pain.
  • I no longer wake up with that horrible weight in my chest. Instead, I feel light and energetic.
  • Goodness, I smile! Smiling feels so effortless!
  • I look my kids in the eye when I'm talking to them. Before, making eye contact with people was very difficult.
  • I talk to my kids more. Before, I said only what was necessary: instructions, reprimands, and demands to be quiet
  • I'm no longer sensitive to sounds! I was living with an almost constant headache. Now, it's gone.
  • Before, all my energy was focused inward, devoted to containing my feelings. Keeping them from spilling out. Making myself not take things out on the people around me. Now, my energy is focused outward. I can pay attention to people, and be compassionate towards them. I have more empathy and love and interest. 
  • Mostly, I'm so happy. It's not that I never felt happy before, but they were moments, and they were few and far between. Now, it's like happiness is my default setting. I'm still in awe of it.
I do have a few side effects. My mouth is dry, so I'm forced to bring water with me when I run. I'm a little dizzy and jittery, but it's starting to lessen. Mostly, my appetite is suppressed. I can feel my stomach growling, and be light headed with hunger, but still have no desire to eat. I've had to make myself eat every time I feed the kids just so that I remember to do it. 

While being on medication is still not my ideal situation, I am so thankful that it works. It's nice to feel like me again. {image via ffffound}

6 comments:

Jared Foster said...

I find the lyrics to Travis song "Happy" to be appropriate,

It starts in the morning
When you're lying next to me
I'm rolling, I'm rolling
I'm rolling so quickly
Now I'm not a doctor
And I'm not a lawyer
I get a prescription and set it on fire
Blow me a kiss
I'll be happy the rest of my life
And I'm so happy 'cause you're so happy
I'm so happy 'cause you're so happy
I'm so happy 'ause you're so happy
And I'm so happy 'cause you're so happy
Oh - oh - aw
And I'm so happy
And I really shouldn't like it
But I love it
When I say I'm not excited
You're invited
And I think I'm getting older
There's this weight across ma shoulders
It's a shame we're the same
Such a shame I'm to blame all the time
But early this evening
I wanted to be with you
I got on the blower
The next thing I know you're speaking
Now I'm gonna tell you what I've been thinking
And I got a hunch that you're thinking the same thing
And with some luck
We'll be lying together tonight
"Chorus"
Oh - oh - ah
Oh - oh - ah
Oh - oh - ah
And I'm so happy

Love ya!
Jared

Jenni foo foo said...

Wow...I love your honesty! My sister actually wrote a book on depression that I really love. She then posted it on a blog:
http://whereismysolace.blogspot.com/
Anyway, I just think it's so refreshing that you're up front and honest about it because so many many people just won't talk about it.
You are amazing...I can tell. :)

Kiki said...

Just found your blog and I love this post. I think you are courageous. Pretty soon you are going to have to take the melancholy out of the title of your blog :) When I was in high school I was depressed and used to listen to Smashing Punpkins "melancholy and infinite sadness" CDs on repeat. Just wanted to share that I have a melancholy disposition too. It is a constant battle for me!

Julie said...

Three cheers for modern medicine! I also just found your blog and just reading the title felt like we could be kindred spirits. I've also struggled with depression since becoming a full-time mom, and at first it was really difficult to accept that I needed medicine. Once the medicine kicked in I was so surprised to wake up and not feel dread. To wake up and just BE. It's a gift to be able to re-discover yourself after losing yourself to depression. Enjoy the re-awakening!

R-E said...

what kind of medication are you using? i've tried a couple different kinds but haven't been satisfied with any of them. i'm happy to hear you are happy!

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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