So Sad

{My son making a mess. 2007}

Whenever one of my children does something that they know they shouldn't, I say, "So sad" while whisking them away to spend some time in their room. Lately, it feels as though that phrase is on loop in my mind. So sad, so sad, so sad. I feel so sad. With all that is lovely and joyful in my life, it's still been difficult to act normal and look happy. 

Even so, it wasn't until last week when I was running on the treadmill {striving for that runners high} that I became worried. My breath kept catching in my throat, threatening to become a sob. "What am I thinking about?" I asked myself, and realized that I was mentally in the middle of planning a funeral. Earlier that day, I had become convinced that something terrible was going to happen to one of my loved ones. I hadn't questioned it, I simply tried to prepare for how I would handle it. How would I minimize the trauma for the kids? How would I stay faithful rather than bitter? Now with a shock of recognition, I thought, "This is not normal. All the running in the world is not going to fix this." Resigned, I went home and called my doctor. 

I've been so blessed to have made it this long without medication. Every depression free day since I had the baby has been an additional gift. But selfishly, I had hoped to make it all the way through nursing. Due to the baby's reflux, I need to nurse. More than that, I want to nurse, and I wanted to do it without any risk of passing on unstudied medicines to him. But I need the medicine.

The little red bottle of Zoloft has been sitting unopened on my shelf for 2 days now. I know I'm doing the right thing by taking it. I know I'm doing the best I can by nursing my baby. Still, as I swallow my first dose, I can't help but feel so sad.


nicole said...

Hi there...
found your blog a few days ago from the link on cjanes blog...and actually commented on the video (so great!)...and then I started peaking through your blog a little - then I came to this post and sat here crying...I have recently been battling depression and anxiety (that sounds quite similar to some of the thoughts you have) and have been having a hard time with it all...in a lot of ways I feel like I am alone in this and also have a very hard time talking to anyone or accurately articulating what it is I'm going through...but this post - first THANK YOU for putting this out there, I'm sure your intention wasn't to touch someones life with these words but they did - and secondly I commend you for being so brave in your decision and in putting yourself out there with your thoughts.
Hope you are doing well now!
take care - and thanks again

(your now on my bloglines acct so I'll be checking in here too :)

R-E said...

"so sad" seems like a cute phrase to teach your kids when they do something you don't like.

Rachel said...



I can't even tell you how much I was supposed to stumble upon you. I just commented on one of your more recent posts... but now this one! My baby is 4 mos. old and I refuse to stop nursing... but have been is such need of medication. Back and forth my mind would go.

I love your blog. I'll be reading. And reading.

Be happy! ☺

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