The last few days have been grey and windy, providing a reprieve from the unremitting desert heat. As the clouds overhead have gathered, releasing a smattering of raindrops, I've been thinking about the ebb and flow of seasons, of moods, of life. 

Back when I was expecting our first child, J and I struggled to figure out how to provide for our new and growing family. The arrival of a baby meant that I'd be quitting my job, which at the time paid for all of our bills while J was getting his own business off of the ground. 

Despite my previous assurances that I loved how independent and artistic he was-- that more than anything, I wanted him to pursue his talents-- the prospect of relying solely on an as-of-yet unprofitable venture sent me into a tailspin. 

"Get a job." I demanded.

J tried to reason with me. He pointed out how much we'd already invested. He advised patience and faith. "I've prayed about this," he reassured, "Things are going to be fine."

I remained unmoved, and we argued bitterly.

"Trust me, God's version of 'fine' is rarely my version of 'fine'," I fumed.

I had recently become disenchanted with God. Although I professed to have faith, in reality I had started to view Him as a tyrant, jerking me around for His own mysterious purposes. I had no trust.

Years later, it's difficult to put into words how or when that changed for me. It's like standing in the sunshine and trying to explain where all the clouds went. All I know is that He was ridiculously merciful with me. For any small step I made in the right direction, He blessed me tenfold, until I could not deny that He knew and loved me as a person. An individual. He may have his own mysterious purposes, but He also has my best interests at heart.

Now, we find ourselves in a déjà vu situation, losing the stability of a corporate job to embrace the uncertainty of self employment. This time, however, when I say that God's version of 'fine' and my version of 'fine' may differ, I find it comforting. It means that if things fall apart, He hasn't abandoned me. This time, I know that I'm more than a pawn. This time, whatever happens, I know it will be for my own good in the end. 

This time, I trust Him. 

{image via one of my favorite etsy artists, Ambera}


Corey said...

I've always believed there is a master plan and when we stray away from it, the road becomes tougher; stay on it and the obstacles mysteriously clear from our path.

Great blog!

TheSpanishLady said...

I went through my own pawn stage, and he has had to prove himself to me, isn't that silly, shouldn't it be the other way around. love you, you are in my prayers.

Em said...

This is beautiful. Thanks.

The Wingnut's said...

I can relate. I too have felt almost Alice in wonderland-ish, standing on a giant chessboard and God making me move three steps forward- one to the right, two left. But after the frustration of it all, I realize it is me making the moves and God is watching at the choices I am making - sometimes laughing, sometimes weeping, but never walking away.

Very inspiring blog!

Stephanie said...

Beautifully written. You know we've been there too (kind of feel we still are there) and I can only say that after you go through each of these difficult experiences, your trust in Him will only continue to grow. I know how scary it must be for you guys right now. Sometimes it just plain sucks, but He is watching out for you in ways you may never know! Keep looking for the blessings along the way!

LisAway said...

I think it's lovely how you can put something so real and so crisis-of-the-year in a post and have people coming away feeling so uplifted. The writing here is lovely, the thoughts and person behind them, even more so.

I love that the feeling that God's idea of "fine" and yours differing can bring such different feelings now as they did then. That's really neat.

(Hey, just if you want to, I would love to see this post highlighted on Blogger's Annex. All you have to do is go the bloggersannex.com and get the email and submit it via email. Just a suggestion. I think everyone should read this post.)

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