I Need Yellow

Despite staying on medication, I've found myself checking out of life lately. I can't seem to make myself get up in the mornings. I sleep for as long as possible, perhaps hoping that when I wake up the day will magically be over with. How I envy Rip Van Winkle! I disappear in books or movies, or sit and stare at nothing, paralyzed by my inability to make myself engage with reality. It's disheartening. I had high hopes that this pregnancy would be different.

Years ago, when my depression was undiagnosed, I began emailing my parents every morning with a single goal that I had for that day. They were bare-bones goals, things like "Today I will take a shower" or "I'm going to load the kids in the car and go to the library." Often, they were the only constructive things that I accomplished that day, but I felt accountable because I'd written it down and shared it with my parents. It worked. It got me through some of my darkest days.

I think I need to return to that concept. This depression will pass as depression always does. In the meantime, I need to break free of this paralysis. I may not feel that I have anything to wake up for, but my family is counting on me to take care of them. So. I'll start small. Today I will go to the gym. Then I will come home and vacuum the rug {at the moment, it crunches underfoot with crushed Cheerios}. Maybe tomorrow it won't be so difficult to get out of bed.

PS- When I'm depressed, I find myself attracted to the color yellow. It's like my brain is craving something cheerful. :) So it was kind of fun to take this color quiz {via black white bliss} and see them name yellow as my color.


The Dragonfly said...

It was your candid honesty about depression that first endeared me to your blog almost two years ago. I still find it refreshing that you are not ashamed to share with us such deep emotion and struggle.

How I wish I could send a box full of sunshine that would spill open and fill your world with yellow! Instead, I'm praying for you that you will accomplish your one thing each day. You are loved!

Apis Melliflora said...

One thing a day--
And some yellow.
To do
buy lemons,
make lemonade.

You're brilliant.

The Wingnut's said...

Am sending you a prescription for a daily dose of yellow daffodils. You need to visit a florist and buy some as soon as possible. Put them in your favorite vase and set them on your kitchen table. And when you find yourself staring at nothing - turn and stare at the beauty of these simple flowers- it will give you the hope that spring is not so far away!

TheSpanishLady said...

do cut yourself some slack, you are pregnant and depression or not sometimes it is just tough. check out if you need to, just as long as you come back, your family will forgive you, cause they love you and you are the bomb

Anonymous said...

I agree wish Spanish Lady... Also I'm a huge fan of ical. I love to make up my calender with silly things and everything. I add every to do I can think of. This makes me think of what I really have going on. And if there is too much white space I'm forced to fill it in. Also I have activities to look forward to. Then I publish it for fam and friend. Can I pencil you in?

mosey along said...

I too love yellow. My kitchen has yellow walls and the rest of our living area has yellow (and red) highlights.

This is a particularly hard time of year for those of us touched by depression. I haven't suffered from it as deeply as you, but Jan/Feb are the months where I really make the effort to reach out when I need it.

Blessings to you!

Morgan said...

I've mentioned to you before that I love your honesty about your depression. I really do. I'm not going to claim to know exactly how you feel. I don't. I've dealt with depression throughout my own life, but I think it's different for every person. Please know that I'm thinking about you, that you're in my thoughts and my prayers and that I really and truly want for you to be happy.

hukolb said...

It is good to know that this to shall pass. I think pregnancy does this to me along with the winter that never ends... It is hard to get up, to do anything productive, to make a meal, etc...and I also find myself staring into space, unable to make myself move, wondering if this will ever end...So know that it will not be forever and we are wishing you the best!

Nicole said...

When I read your posts like this, I know I'm not alone in the world. My life seems to rotate between crippling depression and quick peaks of anxiety/mania. I agree that yellow is a happy color...lemons and daffodils and rubber duckies and sunshine. On that Hartman Color Code, I'm split dead center on blue and yellow. But I tell people I'm a yellow, because it's fun an happier.

I finally unpacked my stuff from Atlanta, and found the "New York in a Bag" that's been packed up since June. It made me smile. I put it next to my favorite black and white retro globe.

Hang in there.

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