Can't they just HAND me the baby?

After a week of hard workouts, I rose from bed one morning and grimaced as all my muscles let their presence be known. Standing in front of the mirror, I grimaced even more. Catching my expression, J asked, "You do know that there's a baby in there, don't you? You can't just exercise it away."

"I know," I sighed. "I can't help it. Every morning I wake up and feel shocked that this is what I look like."

I don't think I'll ever get used to pregnancy. It makes me feel like a stranger in my own body--that it's betrayed me in some way. I miss knowing that if I eat healthy food, I'll feel healthy and energetic. If I go running, I'll feel a little stronger every day.

Pregnancy negates all that.

If I eat healthy food, I still feel tired. It doesn't matter how diligently I go to the gym, every day I get a little bigger, a little more cumbersome. I often think that this must be what I'll feel like when I'm old and my body can no longer keep up with the desires of my heart. How discouraging.

Where giving birth is emotional, empowering and raw, being pregnant is a trial of mental endurance. In true avoidance fashion, I turn to denial to help me cope.

I have no idea how many weeks along I am.

My midwife retired and I don't have a replacement yet.

I haven't seen a doctor or had an ultrasound.

I act as though none of this is really happening.

Sometimes that works. Other times, it just results in me waking up confused and outraged at the expansion of my belly. {What?! When did this happen?} At least the baby has started kicking hard enough that the kids can feel it. And we've got a few names we're bandying about, which helps convince me that it is a baby and not some evil alien growth overtaking me.

Still. I think I'm in for a long pregnancy. Better pray for my poor husband.


Kiki said...

I feel your pain. I am 19 weeks along, and fight every bit of pregnancy. When my mother-in-law says she was the most beautiful and happiest with each of her pregnancies I want to throttle her. I would recommend seeing a doctor or finding a midwife. Please promise you'll do that? It is encouraging that you're eating well and exercising, but what are you going to do if something happens? Just take whoever is on call at the hospital? Just sayin'! You have a choice in all of this.

TheSpanishLady said...

Whenever I felt like uber crap during my pregnancy the only thing that could make me want to work out was knowing it would help me recover that much faster. Emotionally, physically and mentally.

Janae said...

At least you're taking care of your body! I still haven't been to a doctor yet either...and so, in my mind, that means it's not really happening. So I've been eating whatever I want (whatever SOUNDS/smells okay) and hardly exercising. Which isn't what I did w/ my other pregnancies. I feel your pain, and I will be praying for you. And your husband. :)

LisAway said...

I know. What good is medical science if we STILL have to carry our young in the womb for an entire 9 months. Geez.

I hope you find a wonderful midwife or doctor who makes you feel great. It would be nice if she could also tell you the secret for keeping your shape and physical abilities while pregnant, too. Science really needs to get working on this!

Tru Stories said...

My last pregnancy, was so awful. I look back on it now, like I was lost in a cave. I felt huge, sad, tired, sick, depressed, everything. I think God, was sending me a very clear sign, that she was meant to be my last. If all had gone as well as the first two, I would be pregnant again right now!
Yet, after my third and last baby arrived from that cave, she is easily, my very best baby! I wish the same for you.

Apis Melliflora said...

It's good to have a blog to process all those pregnancy feelings and get support.

Just know that you're doing all you can to ensure your heath and the baby's health, but, man, that's a whole lotta hard work making a new little person. Even an Olympian's body would be tired.

Think of pregnancy as a long term, messy art project.

Nathan and Whitney said...

I am 12 weeks along with my first pregnancy. Like you, I am a runner and thrive on eating naturally and healthy and enjoying good health. It has already been an emotional road as I have been too sick to much of anything. I have to keep reminding myself that there is a baby and that someday I will feel like me again. But I think it's official, I am not going to be one of those women who love being pregnant! Thanks for your honesty. But at least we are having a baby right?!?!

Ashley said...

Being pregnant stinks. But see a doctor and soon. It's so important for the health of the baby. It will make you feel better too...make it feel more real. Maybe you could go get a weekly massage at the local massage therapy school. The ones for pregnant moms are so great. You deserve it. And I was like the mother who knew that you really could have too much of a good thing. My last pregnancy was my hardest, but I endured because I knew it was my last. His infancy and toddler years has been the sweetest of all my children. Good luck to you!

Em said...

It has been a while since visiting your blog and I've missed out on A LOT!!! Congratulations on your pregnancy...I'm sorry you haven't been feeling like yourself, (although my bet is that you look absolutely Adorable)!

(If your due date is accurate, you are 22 weeks and a few days--I'm due August 1!)

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