On the way home from the gym yesterday, I couldn't even count the number of joggers I passed. Mercifully, my medication kept my emotions from spilling over into one of those embarrassing, blubbering scenes which always force me to reassure my children that, "Mommy just gets sad sometimes", but I still couldn't help resenting the jogger's blissful athleticism as I drove by.It's so strange to be stuck in this body.
It's strange to think this body instead of my body, as though pregnancy mutates me into nothing more than an incubator; something lent out to an unborn child. I feel no ownership over this swollen abdomen and these thick appendages. I'm used to thinking of myself as a runner, a marathoner, not someone who gets winded carrying kids up the stairs.
I find the same Talking Heads song playing over and over again in my mind and think that Freud would be proud.
But what can I do but tell myself the things I always tell myself? Just a few more months. Grit your teeth, get through it. It'll be worth it. And then you can lace up your sneakers and run to your hearts content.
It'll have to do for now.
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5 comments:
I love that song! And now I will never hear it again without thinking of you. Here I am, nine months out and just now finding my "beautiful house" again . . .
Even though it still seems a long way off you'll soon be back in your "beautiful house" and running too. I also think you'll be wearing cute dresses like some of these.
http://www.vimeo.com/10585392
This could be a sad post (or melancholy-haha) but it's actually beautiful and touching - you must really love your children to go thru all this to have them! I made no sacrifice for mine in that way, but you give up so much of what you love, for nine whole months, in order to get that little baby in the end. And you know it's coming. And you still do it. How awesome.
I didn't want to exercise during pregnancy, but I did often wish that my body wasn't such a huge blob. I sometimes think about Genesis and how woman will suffer pain in bearing children. I know the most obvious pain is the labor itself, but I also feel that pain is, in part, the emotional upheaval resulting from the self-awareness of one's body image during pregnancy.
I haven't had children yet... but I do know from experience that not being able to run - after years of running regularly - can realllllly be depressing. It throws off our already wacky brain chemistry. The first time I sought treatment for depression was just after I was injured and unable to run. There's something freeing about that wind.
I'm thinking of you and sending prayer in the eve. I know it will all be worth it too - but that doesn't minimize how it feels. I know firsthand how stinky it is to know you just have to keep telling yourself it'll be okay. It will work out. I will feel better.
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