Imagine

Sometimes I get tired of dealing with depression and image issues. I mean, really? I'm not over this yet? It's been decades.

The upside is that at least I'm familiar with the drill. It may not be easy to employ all the coping strategies to dig myself out of self destructive thinking, but at least I know what the coping strategies are.

For example: last night I was in one of those situations that I knew would trigger all of my insecurities. As we cleaned up from an otherwise enjoyable evening, the thoughts started to tumble into emotions that then threatened to avalanche into full blown depression. I took a deep breath and {much the way a public speaker imagines his audience in their underwear} ran through these mental exercises:

Imagine that every woman in the room wishes she looked like the woman next to her. While I find women of all shapes and sizes to be breathtakingly beautiful, I often berate myself if I do not fit into a very narrow definition of perfection. If I imagine that every woman is torturing herself with the same kind of self-loathing and comparison, the result is so heartbreaking that I'm often able to snap out of such ridiculous thinking.

Try to see myself the way J sees me. J has told me again and again that if I looked the way I wish I looked, he probably wouldn't give me a second glance. I always want to be taller. He likes that I'm petite. I want to be skin and bones. He likes the femininity of my curves. He says I'm already the ideal woman. My problem is that I don't appreciate it.

Tell myself, "You're an athlete". When I remember the feel of my body when I'm running, or imagine each muscle, sinew and bone working as I move across a room, my body becomes something more than just a 'display'. It becomes a marvelous machine that I love and appreciate for all that it can do.

Imagine Satan laughing. Whenever I'm overtaken with self-despise, I imagine that Satan must see it as a victory. I picture all the good things I'm not able to achieve because I'm too busy hating a body that he only wishes he could have. The thought of his glee rouses all of my faculties and ignites the fighting spirit inside of me. It gives me the strength to push away negative thoughts.

Sometimes, this is all it takes to return to a healthy mindset.

Sometimes, I'm forced to go through these mental exercises again and again, fervently praying, taking medication, working out and doing all in my power to tip the scale back to balanced brain chemistry.

And so the struggle continues.

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