10.24.2011

Never Again




This weekend, I got rid of the very last of my maternity clothes. I've sold all the baby toys, passed on teeny-tiny newborn outfits and cleared my drawers of nursing paraphernalia.

I am done.

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I feel a monumental sense of relief at the thought of never being pregnant again. Pregnancy was never easy for me.  It pushed me to the absolute limits mentally and physically, driving me into the depths of depression and testing the strength of all my relationships. Not once was it embarked on without first having to steel my determination and faith. And while it was obviously worth ever second, I can't downplay the hardship of it. In fact, I'm sort of surprised that I actually went through it four times.

I couldn't do it again. And if, for some reason, I thought that I could-- J would point out that our marriage probably couldn't go through it again.

So I'm done. And for the most part, I'm glad. I'll still finger the ruffly, little baby-girl dresses a bit wistfully, but I'm happy with our rambunctious brood.

I'll buy the dresses for my grandbabies. :)

14 comments:

BuenoBaby said...

Love how you're holding the world in your arms. So poignant.

LisAway said...

I love the photo, too! I am just where you are, but without the super hard pregnancies (at least not all of them, and none of them close to how hard yours were) so I am still a little sad about that. I, too, am looking forward to grandbabies!

Singin' Heart said...

Hey, you reached 100 followers! Thought that was cool enough to point out ;)

I hope when I know I am done having babie that it's the feeling you are having. I would hate to wish for one more just to find out that it was over before I was ready...but with how close we're are having them, it'll be SO nice to have 'my' body back even though it'll be post 6+ babies(ish) and umpting years older ;)
I'm glad you are at peace!

annie (the annilygreen one) said...

that's a seriously gorgeous picture.

Creole Wisdom said...

Thank you for always speaking so honestly and openly about your experience and depression. I truly appreciate your candid, truth tellin' attitude.

Good for you.

I think in a blogging world where pregnancy and motherhood is canonized it's nice to see a different view of things. That is not to say that I see your blog as NOT appreciating those chapters in life. Instead I see you doing something really beautiful, being truly honest.

Thanks. And I love the photo, too.

The Queen Vee said...

I agree with all that Carole said above and add....well done Melancholy!

Kristina said...

I'm amazed and inspired you did it FOUR times. With how long it's taking to get pregnant (9 months so far, over the course of a year) and how hard it is being off meds for that amount of time, Kurt and I have taken a big, long look at our desired 4 to 6 kids. I'm thinking 3 now, and hoping for twins. :)
You truly are an inspiration! Thank you!

Our Life As We Live It said...

Love your blog---I suffer from depression (and anxiety) too. And am grateful that you have blogged about it to give me some strength about the journey I am about to embark on. I may shoot you an email too.

Jessica West Judkins said...

cute picture <3

I hated pregnancy, I love being a mom, but pregnancy was some of the darkest time of my life, I do want a few more kids, but I am praying that my next pregnancy won't be as horrible.

ella@lifeologia said...

I'm so with you and it's refreshing to read about some real frustrations about pregnancies - it's not all sugar coated.
I might be done too, even after one. An illness is to blame which I was diagnosed with after my little one was born - things are better but I would not want to struggle again with an infant IF my symptoms flared up...
Acceptance has a lot to do with it, no matter where you are in life and just to know what's good for you.

xo.
nice space you've got here ;)
Ella.

Miggy said...

Honestly? I'm jealous.

Time to start enjoying a new phase!

Apis Melliflora said...

That's right! Be proud of your accomplishments as a mother of 4! You climbed a mountain while figuratively wearing weights 4 times! Amazing!

Em said...

Beautiful post.

Kristen Papac said...

My thoughts exactly but I am at two. Love your honesty. :)

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