1.09.2012

My body is a cage.


This weekend I fell,

slow motion,

into a fog of depression the likes of which I haven't faced in a while.

Each morning I'd wake to a day that stretched endlessly in front of me, void of anything interesting or meaningful,

like all the light had been sucked from the world.

After a brief search for distractions-- something to read, something to watch, something to think about-- I'd inevitably end up back in bed, buried beneath the covers

sinking in to oblivion

sleeping until my head and my body both ached.

J was unable to rouse me, try as he might to push me out the door.

"Go running," he'd plead. "You'll feel better."

but I couldn't seem to get my limbs to cooperate.

Or my mind to quiet

its endless chant,

"Useless, useless, useless."

{At times like these, my bed has a gravitational force

far greater than my willpower.}

I never seem to know what triggers it.

Likewise, when I hit bottom and am finally able to look up,

and squint at the watery sun,

I am equally unable to vocalize what has ended it.

but I'm relieved.

Now I run {though my legs feel like they move through molasses} and pray

that the depression stays away. That this really is

the end.

{image}

9 comments:

Apis Melliflora said...

Sad that this bout came so close to your birthday.

What race do you have to look forward to?

I hope you have one.

Virtual hug to you.

h. said...

You and me both, though, it's not just my body that keeps me from dancing (kind of a whole package thing).

Hope you feel better, and happy belated bidet.

JeanetteH said...

:( there must be something in the air. I've been in a crappy mood for a few days now. I'm going to bring you a treat tonight. <3

The Queen Vee said...

If writing about falling into a well of depression can be called poetry you just wrote it.

Sad to read that you've had such a difficult week. You've been worrying and working so hard to make the holidays perfect for one and all. One wonders if you've been taking time for you.

Praying that you will feel lifted up and able to enjoy all the things that you love. Please know you are loved and anything but useless.

Jess Judkins said...

Im feeling it to sweet mama, so grateful that I am seeing my counselor tomorrow (christian trauma counseling) I think its this time of the year....and I do get hit by a wall a few weeks before my birthday, its all bc of childhood trauma.

Praying that the fog lifts, that your heart feels light, that you feel the waves of sweet happiness pour right down on you like sweet rays of sun poking through dark clouds.
xo

Stephanie said...

Hang in there...I'm thinking of you!

Also, your profile pic is gorgeous.

And your mad men party looks amazing. Who watched the kids? :)

aLi said...

The Queen Vee said it so well.
Here's to you, hoping you feel better soon!!! I hit a pocket of depression for a couple of weeks, when it hits it feels like life is prison. So hard. Good luck from somebody who blog stalks you!

Miggy said...

I've been thinking about you...sorry I didn't write my support until now.

I hope you are doing well and finding your way out to more peaceful days.

Hugs and prayers to you.

The Queen Vee said...

Thinking of you today and missing you....

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...