Frozen

In the past, I've always come here to honestly vent my feelings. Something about wrangling my thoughts into concise sentences has always made them feel more real, more tangible, and thus more manageable. It's the cheapest form of therapy, really.

But lately, I've felt paralyzed. Frozen. The overarching issue currently is the state of my marriage--which while painful, is in no way doomed. Marriages are private, personal things; almost impossible to accurately portray to a third party without breaking bonds of trust and respect; and since I do honor those bonds, I know that there are certain things I can never discuss in a forum as public as this.

And so I'm left unsure of how to handle this little space of mine on the internet. Somehow, posting entirely about art projects, thrifted outfits and my redesigned bedroom seems shallow and fake, as though I'm trying to maintain a 'perfect' facade by not divulging the full context of my life. And yet I still want to share those things. They're a form of therapy as well; small instances of creativity and creation amid what could be a very sad chapter in my life.

So can I simply ask that you know and understand this? That things are both hard and exquisitely wonderful right now. That my moments of despair are always followed by experiences of comfort, love and hope. That this too shall pass, but that that knowledge doesn't entirely negate the agony of the challenge. That I miss you. That I miss writing to the ether and feeling validated and stronger for it. That I'll try to be more present, sharing the joys in my life without feeling false, because I know you understand the melancholy of my life as well. That as difficult as this is, I'm grateful for my life and grateful that I have places to turn to for comfort.

Having said that-- I'll see you tomorrow. ;)

{image by Miika Järvinen}