Third Watch

"It seems like it comes out of nowhere," my husband remarked. To him, my depression must be like an anvil falling from the sky, with me being the unlucky Wile Coyote. I think most people are unaware of the mental gymnastics I go through on a daily basis to stay functional. Depression isn't an anvil, it's a bowling ball that I've been asked to carry across the desert. Some days, it's quite manageable. Others, I can barely grasp it in my sweating hands. But it is there, every day, a weight that grows heavier until my muscles give out. So when I'm crushed beneath it, it doesn't feel random or surprising. It feels inevitable. It's simply not possible to keep such a force at bay for long. 

That being said, I still hate feeling this way. I hate the sound of my own voice as I repeatedly tell my children to be quiet. I hate knowing that I'm being unfair in all my interactions, treating people like burdens instead of blessings. I hate having to talk myself through every minute of the day, forcing myself just to get out of bed. I hate that my emotions seem to be reduced to either sadness or anger. I hate that I usually choose the anger, knowing that it's easier for me but harder for those around me.

I also know that it won't last forever. For better or worse, depression is old hat at this point, and I've developed something of a recovery routine. I ignore all of my own depressing thoughts, no matter how reasonable or real they seem to be. I make myself get out of the house, if only to allow my children to interact with someone healthier than I. I work out. Running seems to be powerful as preventive medicine, but by no means curative once I'm already in the depths of depression. Still, the endorphins help for a few hours. I pray. And then one day, I feel a little better. 

I used to think that if I paid attention, I could pinpoint some activity that did the trick- that brought me out of it. But that isn't the case. I've learned that for me, it's more like the story of Jesus on the Sea of Galilee. Jesus and his disciples were on the Sea of Galilee when a sudden storm arose. Jesus slept while the disciples labored all through the night to keep the vessel from sinking. It wasn't until the third watch that Jesus awoke and calmed the seas. When things are really hard for me, I tell myself that this is the third watch. That if I labor all through the night and have faith, He will come and calm the storm. So for now, I labor and wait.  {image via}