Naming My Fear

I woke up this morning to the faint light of dawn creeping in between the slats of the wooden blinds. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, and thought to myself, "It's been 9 days since I've gone running." Even as disappointment filled me, I could feel resistance stubbornly building inside, too. It would be an effort to make myself get up. 

"Why?" I wondered with some frustration. Normally, I love to go running. I wake up excited. Why the sudden aversion? As if in answer to my inward question, I found myself remembering a conversation I had at church on Sunday. I was asked when I plan to run the marathon. "In January," I replied. "I'm terrified!" The words tumbled out of my mouth of their own accord. I was so shocked at the truth of them that my teeth clicked together, biting off any further confession. 

My last run was 13 miles. I ended dehydrated, sore, and very discouraged. Now, as I lay in the half light of morning, I thought, "I am terrified. Not of running the marathon, but of failing." No sooner had the sentence solidified in my mind when another one came tripping on it's heels, proclaiming, "Well that's stupid." 

True, too.

And so I went running. I was still slow. It was still hard. And I am still terrified. But if I'm going to fail, I want to do it with my shoes on.

{Image of the too skinny runner via Flickr}


Lisa said...

I love your closing sentence.

Best wishes for getting back into the swing of it, and feeling the confidence.

Katelynn said...

Just so you know... You're filed under "inspiration" in my google reader. :)


Hizzeather said...

Yeah, I thought that picture might have been you for a second, and then I remembered that you're not anorexic. :)

You are an inspiration. I'll go running too...one of these days. :)

nicole said...

awesome post...once again.
and good for you for putting those shoes back on (def. something that has been helping with my depression the past few weeks!!)
and yes that runner is way to skinny :)

liz s said...

i struggle with motivation esp in the morning. but i'm determined to become a morning person...someday

Mary-Laure said...

Be proud of yourself. Running is a very demanding discipline and not one many can handle - I could NEVER run 1 mile, let alone 13...

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