9.26.2008

A tunnel at the end of all these lights...

I feel frozen. Helpless. It's precisely like those dreams I have where disaster is barreling down on me but my legs are moving through molasses. 

I can feel depression getting a larger hold on me with every day that goes by. I wake up in the morning feeling more of that weight in my chest, the urge to pull the covers over my head and sleep away my life. I've lived through this so many times before, I know that now is the time to act. The sooner I can reverse the momentum, the better. But as much as I know that, I can't seem to do anything about it. 

Every day, I let myself sleep a little later. I haven't gone running since Saturday {the endorphins are sorely missed}. I've been praying, but have not been reading my scriptures. And while I manage to get through the day without taking things out on the children, it feels like I'm celebrating the fact that my nose is barely being held above water. Drowning is imminent. 

I haven't the strength to get out of this on my own. All I can do is take my medicine and pray. And perhaps that's the point. When this passes {when not if} I will know without a doubt that it wasn't my own strength that delivered me. 

{image via}

12 comments:

Melissa said...

I pray that you feel peace in your soul and joy in your spirit in due time.

liz s said...

you are a strong woman. I hope you feel better soon.

Melissa Ellen said...

As someone who has struggled for years with a similar depression, i've learned the same thing you are telling yourself - pray and take those meds. EASIER said than done though, as you've mentioned before. We're so hard on ourselves. You have every right to celebrate keeping your nose above the water. It seems so much easier to fall below sometimes. The fact that you don't take it out on your kids is such a huge accomplishment. I can't even imagine. I have woken up many mornings - even recently - not wanting to get out of bed. More than not wanting to - actually hurting to just lay there instead. It's hard. I do understand. I don't have kids - but you inspire me that I will make it through one day when I do. Good things lie ahead for us. Our lives are so much sweeter in the good times because we know how bad it feels during the hard ones. Still, hard times stink! I feel your pain all to well. prayers and hugs are headed your way!

Janae said...

Ditto what those above said. You are amazing to be able to care for others while going through this. I know that your family and God will help you. Prayers are headed your way. :)

3 for girls said...

Dear Melancholy Smile,
I wish you peace, and a speedy return to steady ground. Hang in there!

Leigh said...

I'm sending you positive energy, my thoughts and prayers. Feel better soon!

Dave King said...

Meanwhile, have you read Oblamov by Goncharov? - hope I've got the spellings right. Great blog.

hannah m said...

Sending all healing and loving and hopeful thoughts and prayers your way.

I can relate - and my heart aches, knowing a little bit about how you may be feeling. Strength and faith.

Karen said...

Every little thing, is gonna be alright... (in time) xoxo

nicole said...

I am thinking about you!!
Wishing on strength for you - and knowing what will work is half the battle.

Rachel said...

you took the words right out of my mouth.

Jen said...

I love your honestly. And I can honestly feel the love that Heavenly Father has for YOU. I don't usually feel that reading someone's blog who don't even know. But I KNOW that you my dear, are amazing.

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