For Rich or for Poor

I attempted, unsuccessfully, to go off of anti depressants three times. Each time, I ended up a quivering mass of sobbing flesh. I longed for a baby, but knew I had to be medication free before conceiving. We prayed for help.

A few months later, I was given a blessing. In it, I was told that though I would struggle all my life with depression, it would be lifted from me for a time because of my desire for a child.

The two years since then have been rich with growth and learning. I became pregnant with baby L, and at times could physically feel the weight of my sadness being carried for me. I learned to find natural methods of managing my moods- sunshine, exercise, healthy eating and even blogging. 

We gave birth at home. J caught the baby and placed him in my arms. We cried and said again and again, "He's so beautiful. He's so beautiful."

It became obvious rather quickly that baby L also had GERD. At the thought of another year like the one I'd had with E, fear chilled me to my very bones. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of trial. I was afraid that Heavenly Father thought that I could. I asked for a blessing, and was given such loving comfort that I was ashamed of my previous doubt.

There were times when I was up late at night with the baby crying in my arms, and I could feel the arms of angels wrap around me and give me strength. Within months, we found a medication that allowed L to be pain free. I found myself savoring his babyhood.

We entered a period of graceful reprieve. Our marriage was strong. Our children were happy and healthy. We were sheltered and fed. We knew such moments are usually temporary, but instead of fearing the future, we both felt that it was a time to rest from our labors and prepare for the next step.

Which brings us to the present.

Despite J being laid off, it is hard to fear. God has proven himself to me. We've found that we come out of hard times feeling grateful for the learning that comes of it.

10 years down. An eternity to go.