It's just seven days. Feels like a week.

Last night as we gathered with the children, singing songs and attempting to contain their wildly bouncing bodies as they begged to play 'guess that animal', I involuntarily covered my ears. The cacophony of it all had my teeth on edge, regardless of the fact that it was a happy kind of cacophony. I just sat there, hands over ears, eyes closed.

Then, as I was dressing myself this morning, I gazed in the mirror and made a face. My fingers poked and pinched at a bit of soft flesh and I found myself thinking that perhaps I shouldn't dress so. My colorful attire seemed to have added a few dozen pounds overnight. 

Later still, whilst browsing through a magazine, I read a review on a book called Disquiet. "Marcus and Sophie return home with their stillborn baby, hoping to get to know her before the funeral takes place..." I read. 

Then burst into tears. 

If you haven't already guessed, I've been off of my depression medication. Only for a week, mind {due to inadvertently allowing my prescription to lapse}, and yet all the symptoms of a full fledged crash have reared their ugly heads, oblivious to the previous months of happiness. 

For example, on Saturday J took the kids to a hockey game. I stayed home and bustled around the kitchen, doing chores and trying not to cry. It was only later that I realized the source of my weepiness. I had become convinced that they weren't coming home. That I was going to receive a phone call any moment informing me that they'd been in a deadly car accident. 

I've had insomnia, an extremely short temper, crying jags, and sensitivity to noise {if I've disappeared during your party recently, please don't take it personally}. But worst of all is not being able to trust my own thoughts. They lie! I know that I haven't gained weight this week, but suddenly I can't stand to look in a mirror. I'm back to analyzing every phrase that flits through my head, tasked with deciding whether it's innocuous or deserves aggressive counter-maneuvers. 

Sure, it's only been a week. But it's been a pretty sucky week. 

This morning, I sat in the doctor's office and forced myself to chit-chat, when what I really wanted to do was rip the prescription right out of his hands and race to the pharmacy-- on foot, if I had to! I guess that means I'm past feeling like a failure for needing medication. I've advanced to the stage where I can't imagine having to go back to the tortured soul that I was before I had it. 

Thankfully, I don't have to think about purposely going sans medication until we're ready to have the next baby. And I'm not. At least, not this week.

{image via}

PS  The post title is a line of lyrics from Learnt My Lesson Well by the Kaiser Chiefs.

PPS Dane Patterson talks about the Marathon debacle here, herehere and here. Happily, I am not linked in any of them. 


Lindsay said...

I was just fighting back tears at work and pulled up your blog, which always distracts and comforts me. In fact, I was just thinking maybe I should keep my anti-depressants at work so that I remember to take them better. Ick.

We'll have those drugs back kicking in our systems quickly!

Thanks for sharing!

Rachael said...

I'm not sure if this would be relevant to your particular type of depression, but my mother was finally able to get off her medication by using cognitive therapy. She wrote a book about it later--actually, it's focused primarily on depression in LDS women, rather than cognitive therapy itself (published by Deseret Book, it's called "Reaching for Hope"). I'm mentioning this not because I think you need to get off your medication (believe me, I know what a blessing those little pills can be), but because it sounded like you'll be trying in future when you're hoping for another baby.

Best of wishes from someone who doesn't know you, but loves reading your blog--I truly hope that you're able to find something that works for you and that can help you to be at peace, whether it's continuing with medication or not.

Spymommy said...

Glad you were able to get your presciption back on track . . . glad you can feel happy again. You are strong to me.

Anonymous said...

Oh goodness, I am so sorry that you went through that. I've inadvertently quit my antidepressants and remember how horrid I felt. I'm currently switching from Prozac to Zoloft and the dr told me I'll feel like crap for the next two weeks but as long as it's not as horrible as when I forgot to take my pills period I think I'll live.

*hugs* You and I are a lot alike - neither of us want to need the help, but we both need to accept that we do. Does that make sense? There are these billboards around here that say "You'd never say, 'it's just cancer, get over it.' Depression is real." I LOVE them. They make me feel more normal.

moseyalong said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough week. I can relate so deeply as I struggle with depression on and off myself.

My thoughts and prayers are being sent your direction.

Em said...

Know I'm thinking about you!

rookie cookie said...

Love this post. Nicely done.

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