5.24.2010

Incoherent

It's 4:00 a.m. and I can't sleep. Again. Everything hurts. My back, my ribs, my skin, all from carrying this stinkin' watermelon around my waist.

I hate being pregnant.

It should be enough that I get fat and feel ugly. That I give up running, and anything else physical that I love. That my mind and emotions go on a roller coaster ride of medication withdrawal, but no. Gotta add chronic pain and sleeplessness to the mix. 'Cause I'm a masochist that way.

I hate being pregnant.

How am I supposed to last another 10 weeks? Is it wrong to hope that I give birth a month early? Because that would be divine. Seriously.

There is a whole mess of complaining still shouting from the corners of my brain, but since it is 4:00 a.m. and my judgment isn't up to snuff, I think I should stop now.

But mark my words, I am DONE with this stupid pregnancy thing. In the future, any additional children will have to hitch a ride with the stork and arrive nice and peacefully at my front door, because I am NEVER going through this kind of torture again.

Did I mention that I hate being pregnant?

7 comments:

The Queen Vee said...

Sometimes it just feels great to have a good rant.

You've done this successfully 3 times before so hang in there Melancholy, it will all be worth it in the end.

Rachael said...

Hope you're feeling better now that morning has rolled around. But remember when you posted this a few weeks ago? http://melancholysmile.blogspot.com/2010/05/eventful-week.html

I know pregnancy can be awful--believe me, I know. I was on bedrest for emergency surgery during my last pregnancy, and it was not fun at all. But at the same time, I was so grateful for the opportunity I have to be pregnant, because so many of my friends have been trying to conceive or adopt for years. And their homes are still empty. Some dear friends of mine just gave up after more than a decade of trying (no luck with adoption either) and my heart aches for their situation when I look around my home and think how blessed I am that my body is capable of carrying a baby to full term--and that I don't have to watch my baby in the NICU for a month, as happened to four of my friends last winter.

Crys said...

eww that movie was creepy. Hi!

Apis Melliflora said...

That movie has some serious moral issues that were pretty much glossed over... but it still rocked... especially every time the camera focused on the making of a pie and the ingredients were rattled off in that Southern lilt. And then there's the story about the director.

You're a short ways away from falling in love again. The endorphins will kick in. But I know the "I'm done" feeling. Been there too.

Greeneyes said...

I still chuckle over the "I Hate My Husband Pie".

First time commenter, wishing you some comfort, sweet dreams, and peace of mind/heart to get you through the next weeks.

Jennifer said...

I know some people have wonderful pregnancies, but so far I can't count myself among them.

I feel your pain. I'm 15 weeks with my first and I hate it. I've hated it since day one. I miss being in control of my body. I miss being able to read the signs my body gives me. I feel like a visitor in my own skin. It's the strangest feeling and I'm absolutely miserable.

How am I supposed to survive another 25 weeks?

I know this is really just me complaining and it probably doesn't help to know you're not alone in your misery, but maybe it does.

I hope you feel better soon -- or I hope that the next 10 weeks go by quickly. Good luck!

Kim said...

I completely respect your rant. I am not judging you at all, and this is your blog to write what you want and how you feel. But dealing with depression myself, and at the same time dealing with trying to get pregnant for almost a year, I just wish I was pregnant. More than anything right now I pray to be in your position. I cry every time I get my period and not a positive pregnancy test. I don't doubt that you love your baby and feel blessed to have another child in your life, its just that sometimes I wish you would talk about that aspect of your pregnancy as well. Just a reminder to those of us that are dealing with depression, and trying to get pregnant, that it isn't all bad, and that we can get through it to when the time comes.

In general I love reading your blog because I have struggled with depression and it is good to know that I am not alone. You are in my prayers, and I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

(I really hope I didn't offend you, that was really not my intent. I am truly sorry if I did.)

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