8.01.2010

Too Lazy For a Picture


Not long ago, I heard a program on NPR talking about pain, and the fact that as humans, we can re-live emotional pain, but not physical pain. For example, a song on the radio can trigger painful memories of a breakup, or the death of a loved one. Instantly, we can feel all the emotional pain of that loss or trauma, sometimes more vividly or exquisitely than we did when the event originally occurred. But if we drive past the spot on a street where we fell off our bike and broke an arm, we don't re-live the physical pain of that broken bone. In fact, one can TRY to remember every detail of physical pain, but it's often remembered through a haze. We can't make our muscles, bone, nerves and tissue re-live the experience.

Sometimes, I wonder if that is why I have a harder time with pregnancy than I do with childbirth. People always have reactions and opinions when they hear that I have my babies naturally at home, with a midwife. They act like I'm brave, crazy, more tolerant of pain than normal people, or maybe just masochistic. The truth is, I am none of those things. Pain is almost a non-issue, because it is almost instantly forgotten, and the reward of a baby such a natural high.

Pregnancy, on the other hand, is months of mental torture. In childbirth, I always have a brief moment of giving up, of crying or being afraid and proclaiming that I'm incapable of continuing on. That's "transition", and it always signals that the end is nigh. Next thing I know, I'm pushing and the baby makes his/her appearance.

In pregnancy, I reach that moment where I feel incapable of continuing on, and it NEVER means that the end is nigh. I stay pregnant. I stay uncomfortable. I stay depressed. I reach my limit over and over again, and it never seems to end. As a result, I spend the last three months of any pregnancy talking myself through every day, every moment. Playing mind games. Trying to stay positive. By the end, I'm so exhausted that even YEARS after giving birth, the mere sight of a pregnant woman makes me groan at the memory.

It's August 1st. My official due date. I woke up this morning pissed off-- and believe me, I've perused my vocabulary for a more lady-like descriptor, but none seem to fit more accurately than that. I simply did not want to reach this day still pregnant, and the mere fact that I did had me so grouchy that I snapped at J just because he had a hint of a smile on his face when he murmured, "Good morning".

So. Even though going 7-10 days past one's due date may not seem like such a long time to a non-pregnant person, I CAN NOT DO IT.

I am DONE.

Tomorrow, I see the midwife. I'm going to ask about castor oil, even though in the past I've been wary because it's a natural laxative. {and honestly, who wants to make labor less dignified than it already is? Certainly not I.} But desperate times call for desperate measures.

Do me a favor. Pray that I either go into labor or miraculously acquire the patience of a saint. One or the other has to happen immediately, or I'm liable to turn homicidal.

P.S. I wasn't going to post until I had the baby, but my brother informed me that I'm obligated to keep everyone apprised of what's going on. You can blame him for the frustrated rant. :)

9 comments:

hukolb said...

I wondered when there wasn't a post for a few days, I thought J was home and perhaps you had had the baby. No words of comfort would help I'm sure so we'll just wait as anxiously as you for all the exciting news. I know pregnancy can be long and mentally taxing, for me just as taxing as raising children once they are here , which is why I'm usually not as anxious for pregnancy to be over until the baby is ready, they're healthier that way, too:). So I'm not trying to make you feel any better, just hoping things turn out for the best, for you and the baby, however that may be! We'll be praying for you all. And yes, I remember how painful each labor was and why I opted for an epidural as soon as I was fully dilated and I just couldn't hold on any longer, you seem pretty brave or crazy to me:)!

mosey said...

Praying!

(I was 11 days overdue with my daughter. I was scheduled to be induced in two days when I took matters into my own hands and did EVERYTHING that both modern science and midwifery and old wives' tales suggest to bring on labor. Thankfully, it worked. So I'm all for desperate measures - go for it!)

HLC said...

Oh Goodness- I've convinced myself that No one goes on or past their due date with their 4th (I'm currently pregnant with my 4th). Let me know if anything works.. I'm sure I'll be in your shoes in a mere 11 weeks! Here's hoping that little baby makes a grand appearance TODAY!

Rachael said...

Have you tried blue/black cohosh? That's really supposed to get things going.

I've always had my water broken as a method of inducing labor--it's a little more drastic, but it does the trick.

The Dragonfly said...

And here I'd thought you had a baby and were taking a little breather from blogging.

Do the castor oil! My MIL swore by it to induce labor.

Can't wait to hear about your new baby and for you to be done with the pregnancy . . . you deserve the end!

merelyLooking said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

Thank your brother for me :) I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing! Walking around the mall and then eating a chili cheese dog put me into labor with Hayley . . .Good luck. We're praying for you!

Mo-Reen said...

your words are beautiful no matter what you are saying!!! Well formed thought. I empathize with being overdue. I blame my miserable last days on people claiming I would start laboring weeks ahead of even my due date. Your amazing, good luck!

Apis Melliflora said...

Thank you brother! Come on little one...it's show time!

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