10.12.2010

Locks

Lately, being depressed and anxious is like having thousands of critical voices muttering loudly in every room of my mind. Their volume increases when I'm around other people, shouting that every eye is watching, every thought is judging, that in every way I am found lacking.

They've driven me to tears.

They've forced me to avoid all social events.

They've become so loud that I was sure that what they said was the truth.

But now I'm on medicine again, and it's as if every day I lock a few critical voices into a deep, dark corner of my brain where they can still be heard {faintly} but ignored. Suddenly, what they say sounds a little less credible.

I bought a dress {I do have a waist!}.

I went to Sacrament Meeting.

I'm feeling brave.



3 comments:

merelyLooking said...

I know exactly what you mean! I'm astounded at how often I will fight the need for medicine, convinced that the voices in my head are just my being "realistic". I cringe now when I hear other people use that term; it's a red flag.

Recently I had the same experience, except it wasn't my medicine this time that changed my view, it was prayer.
One desperate leap of faith, one day of honest prayer at all the usual times, and all of a sudden all the clamoring chaos tumbles into a bits and bobs of order. The to do's and the possibilities line up neatly and wait their turn, their priority obvious, when yesterday, ten months of yesterday, they all jammed the doorway of my mind.

I'm awed by this sudden relief and I wonder how many times this has to be the solution before I quit deeming it "coincidence"?

Apis Melliflora said...

I like your room, lock & key analogy. There are parts of my life that I comparmentalize and there are parts that are under lock and key. I think that's a healthy way of working through painful memories and present day issues be they hormonal, depression-related, or caused by some other stressor in life.

In general, I try to clean only one room at a time.

hukolb said...

Sometimes its the small and simple things, baby steps back to health and happiness. And babies getting older really helped me!

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