Every Little Thing

My emotional state has been rather precarious lately. Though I am taking my medication, the lack of sleep pushes me to my very edge. I plunge into painting and organizing because obsessing over nuances in color doesn't allow room in my mind for anything else. And anything else is liable to bring me to tears. 

Anything else includes the possibility that Baby R is my last child. It's the thought that has been dancing on the periphery of my awareness, but I keep pushing it away. I can feel in my heart that Heavenly Father is ready to bring peace to the question, but I purposely don't pray and ask. I know that when I finally do, I'll be in for a significant period of mourning no matter what the answer. 

The thought of ever being pregnant again seems inconceivable at this moment. I feel drained, body and soul. I don't think I could live through another pregnancy and make it out mentally sound. But to think that I will never again have a tiny newborn, that I will never nurse and bathe and cuddle a miraculous little babe-- that is truly heartbreaking as well. 

In the meantime, I try to savor every moment with baby R, but without thinking about it too much. I grin at the way my little family mirrors my own growing up {one girl followed by three boys!} though my mom managed to have four kids in three years when it has taken me nearly ten to do the same. 

In so many ways, my life now and the life we are giving our children is completely different than the way I grew up. Sometimes it makes me panicky and I wonder if I'm doing all of this wrong. So similarities-- even little ones, like having four kids in the same order my mother had us-- brings me comfort. I look at my kids and then I look at my brothers and I and suddenly it's easy to imagine my children all grown up and doing fine. 

Every little thing is gonna be alright. 


LisAway said...

Exactly! Exactly how I feel, except I am fairly sure I'm done. When Spencer was an infant I seriously spent about half the time mourning and have the time enjoying. I would enjoy all those daily miracles you feel with a newborn but with a sadness that this was the last time.

Often when Greg holds our babies he pulls of their socks and kisses their feet. A couple of months ago he was doing this to Spencer and said, "Spence, the next baby I'm going to do this to will be Evie's (or David's)". This was surprisingly less sad and more hopeful to me.

" But to think that I will never again have a tiny newborn, that I will never nurse and bathe and cuddle a miraculous little babe-- that is truly heartbreaking as well." Remember that you will! It's won't be exactly the same but you will have the added joy of watching your own children experience those miracles that you have treasured so much. (kind of tacky wording, sorry)

flygirl88 said...

You break my hear! You are so hard on yourself!! When I was younger I suffered from depression also. I was never smart enough, tall enough, thin enough.... As I got older, that voice inside my head faded away. Sometimes I still hear it, but I am strong enough now to tell it to be quiet and go away. It is sort of like high school, when everything was larger than life and so important! But now when you look back you realize what you wore or said is irrelevant! You will look back at many of the things you are struggling with right now and realize they just are not important.
I think a lot women struggle with the decision to have another child or stop. Give yourself time! I struggled with the same thing after my third child. I decided that even though I love being pregnant, babies, and nursing that they do not stay babies and I could not imagine taking care of another child. At least I did not feel that I (me not you) I could not be a good mom with another child added to the mix. I did not feel I would be able to give each child what they deserve from me and I could not give myself what I would need to be a good mom. Remember that You need time to be "You" not mommy to be a good parent. I truely believe you need time to yourself to be able to give back. And then there is the issue of being a wife. You still need time to nurture that relationship too. Everyone has a limit, you will figure out what yours is. At first I had trouble with my decision, but now three years later I know I made the right decision. I am way too tired to have another baby in the house. You are young, you have lots of time to decide.
YOU are a very beautiful, kind, smart, creative and strong women. You are a wonderful, caring, and loving mother. Give yourself credit for all that you are. Stop listening to that voice inside your head or change the channel.

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