In the past, I've always come here to honestly vent my feelings. Something about wrangling my thoughts into concise sentences has always made them feel more real, more tangible, and thus more manageable. It's the cheapest form of therapy, really.

But lately, I've felt paralyzed. Frozen. The overarching issue currently is the state of my marriage--which while painful, is in no way doomed. Marriages are private, personal things; almost impossible to accurately portray to a third party without breaking bonds of trust and respect; and since I do honor those bonds, I know that there are certain things I can never discuss in a forum as public as this.

And so I'm left unsure of how to handle this little space of mine on the internet. Somehow, posting entirely about art projects, thrifted outfits and my redesigned bedroom seems shallow and fake, as though I'm trying to maintain a 'perfect' facade by not divulging the full context of my life. And yet I still want to share those things. They're a form of therapy as well; small instances of creativity and creation amid what could be a very sad chapter in my life.

So can I simply ask that you know and understand this? That things are both hard and exquisitely wonderful right now. That my moments of despair are always followed by experiences of comfort, love and hope. That this too shall pass, but that that knowledge doesn't entirely negate the agony of the challenge. That I miss you. That I miss writing to the ether and feeling validated and stronger for it. That I'll try to be more present, sharing the joys in my life without feeling false, because I know you understand the melancholy of my life as well. That as difficult as this is, I'm grateful for my life and grateful that I have places to turn to for comfort.

Having said that-- I'll see you tomorrow. ;)

{image by Miika J√§rvinen}


The Dragonfly said...

As always, I'm hear to read, lend a listening ear and cheer you on to a better place. Love to you and your family.

Our Life As We Live It said...

We are truly here and support you, pray with you, and are always here to lend an ear.

I too am currently struggling with my blog--which I haven't updated in quite some time. Mainly because my readers were really full of family and friends--all of whom I love and want to see my blog. But I need a space where I can divulge a lot to my "internet friends"....the ones who I connect with on a different and honestly, anonymous level. Sorry, I didn't mean to turn this post into being about "me".

I'm glad you are honest about your life--you are one of the most real blogs that I read. :-)

Miggy said...

Always excited when I see a new post from you.

I love that you are always real and honest on your blog. It helps people. I also love that you know the difference between honesty and airing dirty laundry...the line can be fine and when it comes to your marriage better to play it safe. That being said, most people--no matter how they present it online-go through these type of struggles, or have in the past or will in the future. You're not alone.

Finally, I would still LOVE to see some of these other posts and updates and would not feel at all as though you were being shallow...you are an artist and designer as well...that's a real part of who you are.


Creole Wisdom said...

Good to read an entry from you again.

I wondered if you had decided to take a little hiatus, just to enjoy the fall. I am single and have no idea what marriage looks like, or even what a challenging time in marriage feels like. I can sympathize though with trying to walk the line on what to share in a blog and what not to.

Everything will be alright no matter what.

I'll echo what another read said, but we (those who read your blog, but don't know you) are here for you. I, too have always loved your honesty.

Keep on keeping on.

Apis Melliflora said...

There are times of frustration when I would like to tell others private things about my marriage as well, but I don't. During those moments, I pick up a faith-based marriage book and pray to find guidance and solace. That is difficult to do, but you are honoring the intimacy in your marriage when you do it.

May things begin to thaw for you soon. Thanks for your honesty about how marriage is a complicated but beautiful thing.

merelyLooking said...

Migosh you write beautifully.

Aimee said...

We understand.

Just glad to "see" you when we do. :)

Elke Vanhoutte said...

Thank you for sharing.
It makes others feel less alone in what they feel aswel. Eventhough my issues are different from yours, I also know things will work out. But that doesn't change anything about the fact that I'm very unhappy with the now. Eventhough I have and know that I have amazing things in my life.

Thank you

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