Afraid

Choosing to start sharing our story more in depth was not a decision that came lightly. I prayed about it, J and I discussed it, and in all honesty, I waited until I felt there would be a happy ending. ;) Even so, pushing the 'publish' button yesterday was, and still is, terrifying.

I'm afraid that if I let you see the depth of the pain, it will somehow make our current happiness and recovery seem false or fleeting. I'm afraid that since there is no way to share everything, you might judge us harshly or think me a fool for staying. I'm afraid that I won't be able to do this right, that I won't be able to show you how beautiful it is to walk through something devastating, and come out on the other side stronger, more empathetic, and certainly in love. I'm afraid you won't believe me when I say that I do not regret any of it. That I am, in fact, grateful for it, even if I'd never desire to experience it again or wish any of it on anyone else.

Years ago, after our first major crisis in our marriage, I told our therapist that I was afraid of ever going back to where we once were. "I don't think I could live through that again," I fretted. Her reply has always stayed with me and is something I draw much comfort from.

She said, "Even if the exact same events were to take place once more, you would have to unlearn all that you have learned in order for it to feel the same. You have grown. You are a different person now. You can never go back."

So despite my fears, I'm pushing 'publish' again. Here's to no turning back. :)

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