Stages of Grief: Denial

I've been told that what I've experienced is similar to a death. The marriage I thought I had, the life I believed I was living, the person I thought I knew, all of that died {or burned to the ground}. Except that I had the added complication of still being in the marriage and having the person I was mourning still walking around. It was disorienting and painful.

In the beginning, I felt like the world and all of its demands should screech to a sudden halt due to my shock. Or that I should be constantly busy-- that there had to be a long, precise check list of things that one must do in situations like these. I wanted a guidebook. I wanted direction.

But there was a 2 month waiting list to see our therapist {Seriously, why isn't there a mental-health version of an ER? I wanted to walk in, explain that I was hemorrhaging, and be seen STAT!} and without the safety of a third party, I was at a loss as to how to proceed without making things worse. I spent hours researching; had long, tearful talks with J; thought and journaled and prayed... but in the end, I turned naturally to the first stage of grief and embraced Denial.

I simply refused to think about it any more. I pretended nothing had happened. Every doubt, every pang, every contrary thought I had got stuffed into a file in my brain labeled, "Deal with it Later." I kept on with the business of keeping on.

In the meantime, J was cautious and cordgial. He reassured and wooed, convinced and courted, certain that the perfect combination of apology and reassignment of blame would heal all. I went along with it-- the summer ahead would be long, I hadn't the energy to fight-- and after a time, I even began to believe it.

I hadn't realized how much was, out of necessity, buried beneath the surface until my parents talked of moving. They'd been in transition-- staying with family, traveling and whatnot-- but the minute it looked like they'd have someplace permanent, someplace I could escape to, the emotional dam within me burst and all hell broke loose.

Tomorrow: Anger

{image: Grief by Erwin Olaf}

PS- Many thanks for the input on having children share {or not} rooms. So much to think about! I think we're leaning towards making the office a quiet space for projects. :)