2.05.2013

Stages of Grief: Depression


Spending the summer with my parents gave me a much needed reprieve. Their new home was in a tiny town and our life became slow and simple. I had limited responsibilities, very little communication with J, and almost no online time. I felt cut off from the rest of the world in the very best of ways. It was as if, for just 6 weeks, the earth stopped spinning and I was able to breathe for a while.

****

A decade earlier, J had been vehemently opposed to going to counseling together. He only agreed after declaring that it would be solely for my benefit. He didn't need help. He didn't need to change. But obviously, I was miserable, so therapy would be for me.

We went. Things improved. I stopped blaming myself. I stopped hating God. I saw that the good in my husband was not a facade. I made a decision to stay. I stopped waiting for something terrible to happen and began to build our life once more.

****

All this time, I thought that when he said he wouldn't get anything out of counseling, that it was just bravado. I thought that when our therapist said, "you can't go back" that she meant the both of us. I thought we were on a path together.

Now it seemed that I'd been walking that path alone.

I had changed, but I no longer felt that J had. I wasn't even sure that he wanted to. Realizing this-- that I could not force that in him, but that I could not live without it any longer-- filled me with intense sadness and a sense of helplessness.

What could I do but wait?

It was all out of my hands.

Tomorrow: Acceptance

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4 comments:

The Queen Vee said...

Melancholy, I've been thinking about you and J a lot and praying for you too....just wanted you to know that.

Jerry E Beuterbaugh said...

"Melancholy Smile" has been included in the A Sunday Drive for this week. Be assured that I hope this helps to point even more new visitors in your direction.

http://asthecrackerheadcrumbles.blogspot.com/2013/02/a-sunday-drive_24.html

Apis Melliflora said...

Miss you Melancholy. Hope you have daily reasons to smile.

Jackie said...

I am so grateful to you for writing about all this. I really enjoy your blog. Your sharing helps me feel less alone in my own struggles with depression, marriage, being the mom I want to be. It is a sensitive and private struggle. It's not that we don't expect to win in the end. I think we all have faith that if we work, struggle, try our best to follow God's direction, He will help it all work out for our good. We KNOW that. It's just that in the weary, scary, or lonely moments, we are so grateful for the tender mercy of a friend who really knows. For someone who is fighting a similar battle, and says "whew! This is hard isn't it!". And we no longer feel alone. A little less afraid. Encouraged. Thank you.

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