Spending the summer with my parents gave me a much needed reprieve. Their new home was in a tiny town and our life became slow and simple. I had limited responsibilities, very little communication with J, and almost no online time. I felt cut off from the rest of the world in the very best of ways. It was as if, for just 6 weeks, the earth stopped spinning and I was able to breathe for a while.
We went. Things improved. I stopped blaming myself. I stopped hating God. I saw that the good in my husband was not a facade. I made a decision to stay. I stopped waiting for something terrible to happen and began to build our life once more.
I had changed, but I no longer felt that J had. I wasn't even sure that he wanted to. Realizing this-- that I could not force that in him, but that I could not live without it any longer-- filled me with intense sadness and a sense of helplessness.
What could I do but wait?
It was all out of my hands.