9.06.2014

Life is Beautifully Brutal



I had a long, lovely summer with my parents. I'm so happy that my kids get to experience this every year-- life slowing down, biking to the pool every day, and fishing with Boppa. It's a part of my life that seems covered in a golden glow, as if it's laden with nostalgia even as I'm living it. I treasure it as the beautiful gift that it is.

Coming home was brutal.

Remember my burning building analogy? It's as if for the last two years, I thought we were re-building the house, but in reality, he's been holding matches behind his back this whole time. He burned down the house again. Then lied about it. Then blamed me.

We're separated. Again.


I don't know if we'll make it back together after this one, and it kills me.

The hardest part is choosing love and happiness every day. I've lived with enough darkness that I don't want to poison myself or my kids with any more, so I let go of the anger. I breathe. I pray. I do yoga. I take it a day at a time. But some days, it feels like I'm Guido on Life is Beautiful, marching around and putting a positive spin on a situation that is genuinly ugly and frightening.


I'm starting an anonymous blog to talk about this more freely. If you would like the link, email me. I'll give it out as long as you're not J's boss or my father-in-law.

In the meantime, prepare for vacation photos as I focus on the bliss that was my summer. :)

{"Cloud Fragment" by Ken Elliot "Storm in May" by James Lahey}

45 comments:

Crystal Hansen said...

love you Babe.

Marci said...

I would like an invite marci6tx at msn dot com. I have long admired your honesty and am sorry that you are going through this.

ellen said...

I'd like to read your blog: patton_ellen@hotmail.com. I appreciate your honesty.

Allison said...

I, too, would like to read it. I've been following your journey for a few years and I think about you whenever the blog goes silent for a bit. Hugs!
allison.laney.harris@gmail.com

Aubre Barnhart said...

I found your blog from watching all of your cute Christmas videos, and have been following ever since. If you don't mind, I would like to keep following along. a u b r e b a r n h a r t@gmail.com (with no spaces :)

Ms. Ellipsis... said...

Yes, I've been in that burning building... Didn't get out unscathed... Still finding new burns everyday, but I'm alive. Would love to connect to your new blog....ms.elipsis @ gmail dot com
Sending you love! 💜

ninar said...

Yes, I too, have been following you since I first discovered those Christmas videos and have been wondering where you were. So sorry! ninar@neo.rr.com

Leslie said...

I too started following after seeing your Christmas videos and would love to follow the next part of your story. Lesliepoe@gmail.com. Love and prayers to you and yours.

Frei Family said...

I have been following you since I found your incredible Christmas videos. Tried to copy them but they never turned out as well as your's!! You are one of my favorite bloggers because you are so honest and real. I would like to continue to follow and wish you well.
tracey.frei@gmail.com

Game Night Fun said...

I would love to follow you.
mdnoorda@gmail.com

Jane Anderson said...

Would love to have a link to follow you. andersja76@yahoo.com

laura said...

saying prayers for you and your beautiful family. i have been reading your blog for years and would love to have a link as well. lshildebrand[at]gmail.com

Miggy said...

Hi instafriend. I would love to read your blog as well. Missed you on these internets.

thislittlemiggy@gmail.com

Janae said...

So sorry you are going through this. I'd like an invite. janaepew at gmail dot com.

Love you bunches, and praying for you.

audrey said...

I've been following you since your Christmas videos too. I would love to read your blog.

audreytolman at gmail dot com

HollyWood said...

You had me at your 1st Christmas card video :). I appreciate the insights I've gained reading your blog for nearly 6 years. You have taught me much. If you don't mind a complete stranger, who doesn't even know your real name, reading about this chapter of your life, I'd like a link also. cliffandholly at hotmail dot com

Jocelyn said...

I also have followed your blog for a long time and have wondered how you are when you haven't posted for awhile. I don't know you, but wish you and your family the best!! If you don't mind another stranger following along, by email is providentmom (at) hotmail (dot) com.

Brianne said...

I would really appreciate an invitation to read your other blog. I love your honesty about life and reality. I also love how hard you try to find good in your life despite your trials. Thanks! brianne.hoag@gmail.com

Crissy M said...

I'd love to follow happinessisachoice8487@hotmail.com

Heather T said...

I have followed you for several years and have admired your honesty about dealing with depression. I would love to continue to follow your new blog. Thanks! heather.tester74 @ gmail.com

Jess said...

I have read your blog for quite a few years now, after stumbling on your fun videos somewhere. I would love to follow you, if you don't mind. :) j_leroy_c@yahoo.com

HLC said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'd love to keep up with you. Sending love from NC.
holcoombs@gmail.com

Erin Poandl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Katherine said...

I'm singed from my recent escape from my own burning building. I don't know you, but I love reading your blog and am so sorry to hear you're going through it, too. Please add me: idahocoveys@gmail.com

lunga said...

Just started reading your blog. I'm so sorry! I truly appreciate real life blogs, as it helps when you know you're not alone in the struggles we are face. I would love to follow. lauraunga@gmail.com

Jen said...

I love your blog and relate to you so much Id love an invite
moyerjenifer@aol.com

Rachael said...

I've been struggling with some similar issues and have been so grateful to read what you've shared here--I feel like I don't know anyone in real life who can empathize with my struggles. I'd love to follow along--my email is rachael.d.bailey@gmail.com

Wishing you the best!

Kristi said...

Would love to keep following along with you on your journey. kaneilsen (@) gmail (dot) com

Ms. Ellipsis... said...

Did I miss the invite? If you've sent it, please send again! Thanks! ms.elipsis at gmail dot com

Stephanie said...

I'd love to follow. I'm so sorry for your heartache. Thomsonstephanie@hotmail.com

Sue said...

I've been reading your blog for years now and love your writing and your 'real-ness.'
Would also like an invite to your new blog.
wisewoman7@verizon.net

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry. I've been in the place where the rebuilding (together) is no longer possible. It is so hard. I'd love to continue reading your words...
thomsonstephanie@hotmail.com

CourtinFL said...

Have been following you for awhile and when the blog goes silent I always hope that you are finding the sunlight and not the darkness. Big hugs coming to you from FL. Courtneysamantha at aol dot com

Jackietex said...

I don't know how to email you, but I would like the link for your other blog. I'm heartbroken for you and can't imagine your pain. I'mm sorry.

Emily said...

I'm so sorry to hear you and your family are struggling. I've been reading for a few years and would like to keep reading if you're still adding people. emilygcannon@gmail.com

JeanetteH said...

I would like a blog invite. I love you and I'm here for you in any capacity. Friday marked my 1 year anniversary of my divorce. For as hard as it was, it was needed. And I am better for it. You can only fight for so long. Eventually the fight runs out.

((hugs always))
jfandeli@aol.com

Lauren said...

I've been reading your blog for years and would like to continue to do so. I'm sorry to hear you're going through such difficulties. Please send link to lauren dot candland at gmail dot com. Thanks a lot! Wishing you all the best.

Amber Johnson said...

I fell in love with your blog through your Christmas videos and came back to see how you are doing. So sad to hear but hopefully rebuilding is in progress. crazycanuck131 at yahoo dot com.

Meredith Wanner said...

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I just don't have the right words to impart to you why I follow your blog, but it's one of the very few I've kept up with. I would very much like a link to your new space. meredith at dropfoundry dot com

hAha said...

hansen dot hilary at gmail dot com please
love you, woman!

The San Diego Mills said...

It has been quite some time since I checked your blog and felt sad to see your news. I have read regularly since way back in the day when you posted the balloon launch for Stephanie Nielson. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. This living is hard stuff. I would love to read your blog, if you are still inviting people. My email is liss1998@gmail.com

Laura Griffin said...

Thank your for always being so open and honest with us! I am praying for your happiness in whatever may happen. Love to follow your blog as well. Lauraclare22@yahoo.com

Laura Griffin said...

Thank your for always being so open and honest with us! Praying for your happiness in whatever happens. I'd also like to follow your blog. lcgriffin2112@gmail.com

Melissa said...

Sorry I meant melissa jo 17 @Gmail. Com

Violaceous Perse said...

i would love an invite to your other site. violaceousperse@gmail.com

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