Dear Little Miss Traveler,

E. is so different when you are not here. Most of the time, he is so quiet. He spends hours playing with his little cars and trains, laying his cheek against the floor so he can watch the wheels turn as he pushes them back and forth. He makes them talk to each other {lines from his favorite movies} and he sings a lot. I never knew I played much Lenny Kravitz, but I must because he loves to bellow, "I want to get awaaay. I want to fly away, yeah, yeah, YEAH!" with a kind of manly gusto. He seems both young and old to me, full of conversation as we drive from place to place. He has no one to compete with for my attention, but he also doesn't have anyone to play with except for Daddy and I. So at times, he struggles to be on our level, and at others, he melts down in frustration. 

All of this time spent alone with him has made me think about you when you were his age. You have always been just a little firecracker of a girl. Your Daddy and I were in awe of you. We toted you around like you were just a short adult, and most of the time, you held your own. You had such overwhelmingly enthusiastic reactions to things, we couldn't help but see the world as a brighter and more interesting place for the simple fact that you were in it. 

The other day, Daddy asked E. what he was doing, and E. said, "Playing with my cars. They're crashing." Daddy nodded, and tried to get it on film. He didn't know the {unspoken} rule that he is always supposed to repeat the last sentence that E. says before E. can continue playing. E. looked up and said more forcefully, "They're crashing." Daddy still didn't say anything. E. said a third time, "Daddy, they're CRASHING." He was about to have a meltdown when I quickly stepped in and said, "Oh, they're crashing?" E. looked relieved. "Yes. They're crashing." 

It made me miss you. You know that you have to repeat E. and it's nice to have someone who looks at me and rolls their eyes in frustration like we're in this together. You're such a good big sister, you know that? I love you, sweetie. Have a fun time, but then please hurry home. Love- Mommy

This Desert Life

    

These three books are all set in Arizona. It's strangely pleasant to 'escape' in a novel to a place I know so well. All three are excellent, so if you are in need of a final summer read, l highly recommend them. 

Pencil Skirt

Now that I'm almost at my goal weight, I'm on the lookout for a nice pencil skirt. These three are contenders. From left to right: $89 Banana Republic, $108 Ann Taylor, and $19.99 Old Navy.

Bunk Beds

Once the baby is old enough to leave the crib, we'll be turning the playroom into the boy's room, and giving C. the privacy of her own room. I've been eyeing these navy bunk beds for the boys, especially since they separate into two twin beds and the navy would look great with the bright green I have in there already. {I'll have to post some of my design sketches and color swatches later}. They're still quite spendy, though. Maybe I can find something similar in unfinished wood and paint it myself? I also like the extra wide dresser.

Dear Little Miss Traveler,

This is what we did on Saturday: I ran 6 miles. It was hot and sweaty. When I got back, I looked like someone had dumped a big bucket of water on me. I had to take a very cold shower while Daddy and E. watched train videos on the computer.
The baby likes to sit up all by himself. He only tips over every once in a while. We try to keep a pillow behind him, just in case.
We went to a matinee of Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3D. E. looked funny with glasses on, and he kept trying to grab things in front of him. He "really loved the dinosaur" even though it was "really, really scary". After we took naps, we came outside to find it raining while the sun was shining!
It made it nice and cool outside, so we sat in the backyard. E. played in the rain until a rainbow appeared. Then Daddy took lots of time laps videos and photos. 
We miss you and hope you're having lots of fun! Love- Mommy

Storm

Last night after a fantastic sunset, a summer storm rolled in. My husband sat outside and took photos of the lightning until it got close enough to scare us.

So Happy

After three days on the medication, my anxiety over taking it has started to give way to gratitude. I hadn't even realized quite how depressed I was until I knew what if felt like to be happy again! Here are some of the small changes I've noticed:

• I sleep because I'm tired, not because I want to escape the day, my life, my pain.
• I no longer wake up with that horrible weight in my chest. Instead, I feel light and energetic.
• Goodness, I smile! Smiling feels so effortless!
• I look my kids in the eye when I'm talking to them. Before, making eye contact with people was very difficult.
• I talk to my kids more. Before, I said only what was necessary: instructions, reprimands, and demands to be quiet
• I'm no longer sensitive to sounds! I was living with an almost constant headache. Now, it's gone.
• Before, all my energy was focused inward, devoted to containing my feelings. Keeping them from spilling out. Making myself not take things out on the people around me. Now, my energy is focused outward. I can pay attention to people, and be compassionate towards them. I have more empathy and love and interest. 
• Mostly, I'm so happy. It's not that I never felt happy before, but they were moments, and they were few and far between. Now, it's like happiness is my default setting. I'm still in awe of it.

I do have a few side effects. My mouth is dry, so I'm forced to bring water with me when I run. I'm a little dizzy and jittery, but it's starting to lessen. Mostly, my appetite is suppressed. I can feel my stomach growling, and be light headed with hunger, but still have no desire to eat. I've had to make myself eat every time I feed the kids just so that I remember to do it. 

While being on medication is still not my ideal situation, I am so thankful that it works. It's nice to feel like me again. {image via ffffound}

Chocolove

I adore the packaging on these chocolate bars. They're designed to look like love letters from a distant land, and inside each wrapper is a romantic poem. Chocolove makes premium, organic chocolate, and their "bars of origin" are supposed to be as distinctive as glasses of wine. I consider it my duty {as a budding chocolate connoisseur} to go out and try them as soon as possible. {via The Die Line}

Pip:

You may not feel it lately, but trust me. You are.

Smitten Kitchen

With temperatures in the triple digits, the last thing I feel like doing is cooking a hot meal. Thankfully, Smitten Kitchen is posting a recipe a day, all of which are light, refreshing, and require little to no time in the oven! The Nectarine, Mascarpone and Gingersnap Tart looks amazing.

This Sauteed Radish and Sugar Snap Pea side looks beautiful. It would give me an excuse to use the dill from my herb garden.

And this! This, my friends, will be the death of me.

Little Miss Traveler

My 6 year old is off to spend 10 days with her Nana and Grandpa {and many more relatives!} in Washington. While I will miss her terribly, I can't deny that the silence will be oh so golden. :) She has her very first loose tooth, and has spent the day proudly wiggling it with her tongue. Perhaps the tooth fairy will have to make a long distance appearance?

{Tooth Fairy Shadow Puppet sold on Etsy}

So Sad

{My son making a mess. 2007}

Whenever one of my children does something that they know they shouldn't, I say, "So sad" while whisking them away to spend some time in their room. Lately, it feels as though that phrase is on loop in my mind. So sad, so sad, so sad. I feel so sad. With all that is lovely and joyful in my life, it's still been difficult to act normal and look happy. 

Even so, it wasn't until last week when I was running on the treadmill {striving for that runners high} that I became worried. My breath kept catching in my throat, threatening to become a sob. "What am I thinking about?" I asked myself, and realized that I was mentally in the middle of planning a funeral. Earlier that day, I had become convinced that something terrible was going to happen to one of my loved ones. I hadn't questioned it, I simply tried to prepare for how I would handle it. How would I minimize the trauma for the kids? How would I stay faithful rather than bitter? Now with a shock of recognition, I thought, "This is not normal. All the running in the world is not going to fix this." Resigned, I went home and called my doctor. 

I've been so blessed to have made it this long without medication. Every depression free day since I had the baby has been an additional gift. But selfishly, I had hoped to make it all the way through nursing. Due to the baby's reflux, I need to nurse. More than that, I want to nurse, and I wanted to do it without any risk of passing on unstudied medicines to him. But I need the medicine.

The little red bottle of Zoloft has been sitting unopened on my shelf for 2 days now. I know I'm doing the right thing by taking it. I know I'm doing the best I can by nursing my baby. Still, as I swallow my first dose, I can't help but feel so sad.

Art

These caught my eye over the weekend. I love the fanciful mix of illustration with real objects and the way the fantasy is balanced by the sober black and white.

Very Lemony Snicket-y. I'm struck with a sudden desire to take up photography again and try it myself. {The first is via Deviant Art and the second is via Cup of Jo.}

Celebrate

Happy, happy birthday Shane and Pip. Here's a gourmet cupcake for you. Today Nelson Mandela and Chupa Chups also age a year, but to me it will always be your day. Hope you have a great one! 

Black

Sometimes, I get an overpowering urge to dye my hair black. {image via ffffound}

Black, White & Green

Just as I prefer fall and winter clothing, I also lean more towards the fall and winter furniture catalogues. I just received my Fall Pottery Barn Catalogue, and thought I'd share my favorites. Obviously, I love all the black and white. I'd prefer more contemporary lines {and that mirror is hideous! It reminds me of Heidi Klum's jewelry collection.} but I love the exposed beams, the lamp, and the mixed pillows on a white sofa. 

I really love the wall in this photo, and have been trying to figure out how they made it look like that. I want a typeface wall!

I like the colors of this office. The patterned magazine butlers are nice, and I love the dark floor with white cabinets. The paint chips remind me of color wheels pinned up in art studios, but when I showed my husband he made a face and said it makes him think of Home Depot, and that can't be cool. :)

Disappointed

With three children in the house, running requires that I leave at 5 a.m. and return before my husband has to leave for work. Even as a morning person, this is really difficult for me. Add a sleepless baby into the mix, and it is nigh unto impossible. Still, I'm disappointed in myself for not waking up on time. On days like today, when I've wallowed in bed until 6 a.m. I'm forced to run at the gym, where I can take advantage of childcare. I hate running on a treadmill. No breeze, no scenery, and I can jump off at anytime, which means no motivation. Oh, that I would remember that the next time my alarm goes off! {image via}

Clean

It's Monday. Time for a fresh start. A renewal of goals. A clean home. I've spent the morning so far folding about 8 loads of laundry while the carpet cleaners steam cleaned all the carpets. The air feels heavy and damp, like I'm doing housework while sitting in a spa. I like it. {images via Toast}

MoMA

Some of my favorites from the MoMA catalogue:

Clockwise from upper left: Black Cuckoo Clock, Index Chopping Boards, Sky Umbrella, and New York in a Bag (which my mom and I bought for each other at Christmastime, but they have since added the Empire State building, so I'm tempted to buy it again!) I love MoMA. 

Monsoon Weekend

Last night the clouds that had been amassing in the distance finally rolled in and drenched us with some much needed rain. I love monsoons. They're wild and dramatic, with flashes of lightning, violent wind and rain that comes down in heavy sheets. I love the way the streets and yards flood, and the way the air smells first of red dust and hot cement and then of fresh creosote bushes. I love the instant drop in temperature, and the way the desert seems to grow green overnight.

Something about a monsoon changes the scenery enough that I can feel hopeful about the day. Without the oppressive heat, the day's tasks seem lighter. Or maybe it's the promise of a date tonight. My husband and I rarely go out. It's too difficult when the baby is reflux-y and sleepless. Those are the times when we both become stressed and desperate for a few hours away, but those are also the times when it seems inconceivable to leave him with anyone. My mother-in-law is the only one I trust to watch him {and to call if he becomes inconsolable} and it's easy to burn her out. So we don't get out much. 

The goal tonight is dinner and a movie. Dinner, at the very least. We're going to be adventurous and try someplace we've never been. I'm picturing indian food eaten on pillows on the floor. A whole meal without fetching something for someone else! Then the movie. Oh, to watch an entire film without pausing it while the baby cries! That's enough to make a girl feel hopeful about the day, isn't it? {image via}

Project Runway 5

I can't be the only one bouncing on the edge of her seat, gleefully awaiting the return of Project Runway {next Wednesday, for those of you sadly uninformed!} Until then, let's take a moment to look back on what may possibly be the most beautiful dress ever created on said show: The Chrysler Building Dress.

Oh, the exquisite details! The buttons, the pleating, the decadent fabrics! I love the elegant belt, the high {but not too high} waist. In fact, if you were to remove the {dated} flower and the {nasty} wrap, it would be museum worthy.

Someday, if I have enough money to commission a custom made dress, you can bet it will be modeled after this piece of perfection. Season 5, you have a lot to live up to.  {images via}

{As a random side note, you haven't lived until you've heard my husband do a reluctant Tim Gunn impression. Priceless!}

Treadmill Thoughts

I'm exhausted before I even step onto the treadmill. I can't believe I skipped breakfast. No matter how frustrated I get with my efforts to change my body, skipping meals should be out of the question. It's something I did at 18. Now that I'm 28, I should know better. I should have had a tuna fish sandwich on whole wheat. Maybe an apple. A salad. Oh, I am hungry. I turn on my ipod and punch up the speed. I feel like I can hardly breathe. Why is this so difficult? I'm gasping but tell myself that I always hate the first two miles. It'll get better.

I sneak a peek in the mirror.

There have only been two times in my life that working out was effortless. The first was when I had no control over anything else in my life, so I worked out obsessivly. I'd have panic attacks if I couldn't run. It wasn't a happy time. The second was during a personal crisis. I couldn't eat or sleep, and running seemed to be the only thing that burned away the gnawing anxiety and shattering hopelessness that I felt. I was the thinnest I've ever been in my life, but I was miserable. 

"I wonder if there's a connection?" I muse. When I met Jared, I remember being surprised at how beautiful it made me feel to be around him. I was extremely happy, and spent so much time with him that I stopped being paranoid about working out. It was so far from my mind that I used to motivate myself to go to the gym by reminding myself that a honeymoon was coming up. Man, I'm sure glad that the first time he saw me like that, I was in pretty good shape. Hopefully, he can still see that in me, even though three kids have wreaked havoc on this body of mi- - -

Someone is tapping on my shoulder. 

I turn off the ipod and turn to the blonde dressed all in pink who has been walking on the treadmill next to me. "You look great, you know" she says. "I saw you looking in the mirror, and you really shouldn't worry about it." I'm so shocked, all I can manage to gasp is "Thanks." She nods and says, "We all work hard, but sometimes we just need to hear it." 

I turn back to the treadmill with two reactions. The first is a mortified, "How did she know? Are all my thoughts just painted across my face for all to see?!" but as my blush fades, a smile tugs at the corners of my mouth and I find myself running more easily. I think to myself, "Pink lady, you just totally made my blog."

Romantic Collection

I find myself liking Gap's new Romantic Collection. I like the colors in the above outfit, but I'd probably wear them (pink with that dusty brown!) in the outfit below. Just add a crop sleeved cardigan and it would look elegant and modest. 

Robot Parade

Remember what I said we were building last weekend? Well, it was in preparation for this. While we had all the cousins together over 4th of July weekend, Jared had them do a robot parade. The kids may have been hot and grumpy, but the video is so cute!

4th of July

Last night I started cleaning the house. It was like the fog in my head started to lift, and suddenly all I could notice was how sticky the floors were and how overgrown my garden had become. So I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed all the wood floors, then yanked all the weeds from between my tomatoes and bell peppers. It felt good to effortlessly do something when for the past few days, I've had to work so hard just to keep all the ugly things I've been feeling from spilling out and hurting those around me. It was the first step towards feeling good again.

We'll be spending the 4th the way we do every year, up in the mountains and away from the heat. It's one of my favorite family traditions, even though it involves too many people stuffed into too small a cabin. The cousins entertain one another while the adults play hours of board games and make lots of gourmet BBQ food. The fireworks show is always spectacular, yet has a small town celebration feel to it. If the chaos becomes too much for me, I'll go running out in the mountain air. 

{images via Real Simple}

Third Watch

"It seems like it comes out of nowhere," my husband remarked. To him, my depression must be like an anvil falling from the sky, with me being the unlucky Wile Coyote. I think most people are unaware of the mental gymnastics I go through on a daily basis to stay functional. Depression isn't an anvil, it's a bowling ball that I've been asked to carry across the desert. Some days, it's quite manageable. Others, I can barely grasp it in my sweating hands. But it is there, every day, a weight that grows heavier until my muscles give out. So when I'm crushed beneath it, it doesn't feel random or surprising. It feels inevitable. It's simply not possible to keep such a force at bay for long. 

That being said, I still hate feeling this way. I hate the sound of my own voice as I repeatedly tell my children to be quiet. I hate knowing that I'm being unfair in all my interactions, treating people like burdens instead of blessings. I hate having to talk myself through every minute of the day, forcing myself just to get out of bed. I hate that my emotions seem to be reduced to either sadness or anger. I hate that I usually choose the anger, knowing that it's easier for me but harder for those around me.

I also know that it won't last forever. For better or worse, depression is old hat at this point, and I've developed something of a recovery routine. I ignore all of my own depressing thoughts, no matter how reasonable or real they seem to be. I make myself get out of the house, if only to allow my children to interact with someone healthier than I. I work out. Running seems to be powerful as preventive medicine, but by no means curative once I'm already in the depths of depression. Still, the endorphins help for a few hours. I pray. And then one day, I feel a little better. 

I used to think that if I paid attention, I could pinpoint some activity that did the trick- that brought me out of it. But that isn't the case. I've learned that for me, it's more like the story of Jesus on the Sea of Galilee. Jesus and his disciples were on the Sea of Galilee when a sudden storm arose. Jesus slept while the disciples labored all through the night to keep the vessel from sinking. It wasn't until the third watch that Jesus awoke and calmed the seas. When things are really hard for me, I tell myself that this is the third watch. That if I labor all through the night and have faith, He will come and calm the storm. So for now, I labor and wait.  {image via}