Naming My Fear

I woke up this morning to the faint light of dawn creeping in between the slats of the wooden blinds. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, and thought to myself, "It's been 9 days since I've gone running." Even as disappointment filled me, I could feel resistance stubbornly building inside, too. It would be an effort to make myself get up. 

"Why?" I wondered with some frustration. Normally, I love to go running. I wake up excited. Why the sudden aversion? As if in answer to my inward question, I found myself remembering a conversation I had at church on Sunday. I was asked when I plan to run the marathon. "In January," I replied. "I'm terrified!" The words tumbled out of my mouth of their own accord. I was so shocked at the truth of them that my teeth clicked together, biting off any further confession. 

My last run was 13 miles. I ended dehydrated, sore, and very discouraged. Now, as I lay in the half light of morning, I thought, "I am terrified. Not of running the marathon, but of failing." No sooner had the sentence solidified in my mind when another one came tripping on it's heels, proclaiming, "Well that's stupid." 

True, too.

And so I went running. I was still slow. It was still hard. And I am still terrified. But if I'm going to fail, I want to do it with my shoes on.

{Image of the too skinny runner via Flickr}

Vanquishing the Blues

My husband brought sushi home on Friday saying, "It sounds like you're feeling down." He then put the children to bed and we lounged in front of a movie. On Saturday, he helped me plant the garden before we headed out to a pool party. It was marvelous to spend so much time in the sunshine, and having a handsome, sweating, partially-clothed man beside me wasn't bad either. :) On Sunday, when the baby wouldn't stop fussing, we started to wrestle with who would get to skip the rest of church in order to take the baby home. He let me win. Conclusion: I love you, Knight in Shining Armor. 

A tunnel at the end of all these lights...

I feel frozen. Helpless. It's precisely like those dreams I have where disaster is barreling down on me but my legs are moving through molasses. 

I can feel depression getting a larger hold on me with every day that goes by. I wake up in the morning feeling more of that weight in my chest, the urge to pull the covers over my head and sleep away my life. I've lived through this so many times before, I know that now is the time to act. The sooner I can reverse the momentum, the better. But as much as I know that, I can't seem to do anything about it. 

Every day, I let myself sleep a little later. I haven't gone running since Saturday {the endorphins are sorely missed}. I've been praying, but have not been reading my scriptures. And while I manage to get through the day without taking things out on the children, it feels like I'm celebrating the fact that my nose is barely being held above water. Drowning is imminent. 

I haven't the strength to get out of this on my own. All I can do is take my medicine and pray. And perhaps that's the point. When this passes {when not if} I will know without a doubt that it wasn't my own strength that delivered me. 

{image via}

Fun with Science

The science-geek in me is absolutely giddy over the discovery of these custom printed element banners. Type in the word or phrase you'd like and see it spelled out using elements from the periodic table! Don't have a name that works with the elements? You can still order the beautiful full sized poster here. 

Another Reason to Listen

I love the winning design for the This American Life T-Shirt Contest. People are so creative! You can see some of the contenders here. It seems I may be making a substantial pledge this year... 

Stendig Calendar

Remember when I tried to buy a Stendig Calendar in January? {pause for laughter..... okay, that's enough. Honestly, now.} Well, I'm not making that mistake again. I just ordered my 2009 Calendar today, and am dreaming up all the ways I'm going to enjoy it. I especially love this lamp idea via Carpe + Item. 

My Favorite Season

While here in the desert there may not be a chill in the air, it's still officially Fall. That means I can get ridiculously excited about Halloween and all the ensuing holidays! Check out Matthew Mead's new Autumn Page, especially the free Halloween Templates. We're already working on our Halloween costumes. Are you? 

New To Me

I ran out of water half way through my 13 mile run on Saturday. By the time I finished, I was sick, dehydrated, and pretty much good for nothing. J and I spent the rest of the day lounging on the sofa watching Pushing Daisies on DVD. It is fast becoming one of my favorite shows. The color! The wit! The clothes! If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. 

6:30 Sunday Morning

E says, "Look mommy, I'm Mater!"

"It sparkles in the sun! It is so magical!" proclaims Little Miss C.

Baby L: not letting me out of his sight. 

I love Sundays.

Baby Mine

Crawling out of a depression always takes longer than falling into one, so while I am on the mend, I still have to fight back suffocating sadness. Today, baby L is helping so much with that. How can I not smile at those big blue eyes and infectious grin? I nuzzle into the folds of his neck, let him slobber my cheek and grab fistfuls of my hair, and suddenly all is right with the world. Oh, how I love him.

ABC's of Paris

I love this project. It's along the same vein as some that I've worked on in the past, though by adding Paris into the equation, it is that much classier. I would love to arrange prints into a word that I could then frame and display in my kitchen. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that Marc is selling them... {Found via Black Eiffel} 

No More Surprises

Today as we strolled through Target, Little Miss C trailed behind me a few steps, whispering into the Magic 8 Ball she planned to buy with her allowance/birthday money. After a few minutes of whispering and giggling, she skipped to my side and announced, "You are going to have a GIRL baby next!" {For the record, I am not pregnant.} 

Me: "Oh really?"

C: "Yes! I asked the Magic 8 Ball, and it said 'Decidedly So'." 

Me: "And does the Magic 8 Ball know everything?"

C: {rolling her eyes and gesturing with one hand like a teenager} "Of course! It's a VERY SMART TOY!" 

Come Fly With Me

I am in love with these vintage-style space travel posters by artist Steve Thomas. I especially like the little antennae on top of the round rocket. 

And that sale's pitch on this poster: "Wake up without aging a day!" Priceless.

Wouldn't these be perfect for the boy's room? Prints are available for sale here. 

{Found via Baekdal.com}

Thank You

Your comments and emails of reassurance, concern and support have been touching. You have my gratitude. {image via ffffound}

Setbacks

Have you seen those new SoyJoy ads? I hate them. The people in them all look like they're on some kind of opiate. They seem to equate 'drugged out of your mind' with 'optimism'. This image of using a substance in order to live in a perpetual state of bliss purely irks me. When I went on medication for depression, it wasn't with the intention of erasing all negative emotions from my life. I wasn't trying to escape the natural pain that comes as a consequence of poor decisions, and I certainly wasn't using it to enable myself to live a more frenetic, crazy and uncomfortable life by numbing out the sadness that comes with that. I wasn't aiming for bliss, I was aiming for functional. 

I remember seeing Julianne Moore's character in The Hours. Watching her emotionally crumble while trying to bake a cake was excruciating, not only because she plays the part so exquisitely, but because I saw myself in her. Depression is insidious and debilitating. There were times when I, like her character, truly believed that my children and my family would be better off if I were not around. It is humbling to know that if it weren't for the watchful eye of my Father in Heaven, I could have done something terrible to myself or one of my children. With the advantage of perfect hindsight, medication seems like an obvious life saver. So I find it infuriating that one of the hurdles I had to overcome when deciding to go to my doctor for help was the stereotypical image of a drug-taking-housewife-trying-to-numb-out-her-life. 

I still wrestle with that. Perhaps it's pride. I don't want to be on medicine. I don't want to need it. So lately, I haven't been taking it. I'll go a few days without it, crash, and then take a dose. As soon as I'm feeling a little less suicidal, I stop taking it again. I know that it's stupid and dangerous and unhealthy, and yet I continue to do it. I don't want to be thought of as someone broken. Someone who needs help in order to live my already ridiculously privileged and charmed life. 

I'm finding that just as when I went through pregnancy sans medication, I now have to humble myself, set aside that pride, and turn to the Lord every day-- this time in order to submit to the relief of the medicine. Today I'm telling myself that it's okay to need help. It's part of life to have weaknesses to overcome. I have weaknesses in order to teach me to rely on a higher power. 

But those SoyJoy ads? So not helping. 

Vote

This is one of the dresses I wrote about previously. I thought the blue was more striking than the grey once I saw them both in person. So, what do you think? Is it a keeper or just okay? {I'm thinking that the one on the model looks like more of a relaxed fit. Perhaps I should size up?} If this doesn't make the cut, there are still a lot of lovely dress options out there...

Italian Afternoon

My brother and his beautiful wife have been visiting for a few days. We took them to The Olive Mill on Saturday, one of my favorite places to spend time. They grow, press, and sell their own {outstanding} olive oil, and also have a selection of gourmet olives, tapenades, wines, nuts and cheeses. 

We sampled everything, then had something to eat at the Italian restaurant there on the premises. The best part: gelato.

Good company + delicious food + pleasant atmosphere = a perfect afternoon. 

Fabric

I've been in the mood to make some pillows and an apron, but when I went to the local fabric store I gagged at the selection. Luckily, online shopping has proven to be much more successful, albeit a bit more expensive. These are from Purlsoho and Reprodepot. {Thanks so much to Liz for the recommendations!}

Want vs Need

At what point does a want become a need? Because I do believe that I need to go shopping. This dress is calling out my name, and the new Dean Harris jewelry collection has a few pieces I appreciate as well. Doesn't this necklace look like beads of dew on a spiderweb? I love it.

Bounty

I joined a fruit and vegetable co-op and picked up my first basket of produce at our local park this weekend. Look at the variety for only $15! Apples, grapes, bananas, strawberries, limes, avocados, tomatoes, peppers, garlic, broccoli, green beans, peaches and cantaloupe. We had the green beans and broccoli for dinner and they were wonderful. 

Last night after my husband got back from work, we harvested the last of the carrots, green and yellow beans, onions and bell peppers from the garden. For an inaugural and semi-experimental planting, I was pleased with the results, especially with the quality of our tomatoes and bell peppers. We're in a hurry to plant again, so we started to prepare the beds. I don't recommend night gardening. Though the temperatures were more comfortable, we had to work by the light of a flashlight and killed six black widow spiders. I had to agree with my husband when he said that gardening sure makes you appreciate food. It's a lot of work! :)

All Knowing

We're preparing to have guests this weekend. The playroom doubles as our guest room in a pinch, so the children and I have been sorting, cleaning and organizing all morning. In the midst of this, I heard the baby start to wail from his crib in the other room. Little Miss C darted in to join us, a look of chagrin on her face. 

"C." I said sternly, "Did you wake up your brother?" 

She shook her head, her eyes defiant. 

I sighed, "Sweetie, I don't appreciate it when you lie. Please tell me the truth." 

Instantly, her lip started to pout and she crossed her arms in front of her. "How did you know?" She demanded, her brow furrowed in frustration. 

"I can tell when you're lying." I replied.

Her eyes grew wide. She looked up at me and asked in a small voice, "Did God tell you?"

{image via Cookie}

7 Years

Dear Little Miss C, 

Daddy and I are not fooled. You are anything but bashful, especially when it comes to your birthday. You seem to think that Labor Day Weekend is actually a weekend-long celebration centered around you. So on Saturday, after dressing yourself for the day {yes, that's a disclaimer}, you promptly asked to be taken to Chuck E Cheese. Which we did, even though it was a rip off and the pizza tasted like cardboard. 

This year you asked for a Wall-E cake. I was lazy, so we made a cake that actually tasted good, iced it in Grandpa's legendary Brown Beauty Icing, and then I let you stick all kinds of Wall-E cardboard cutouts from the party favors into the icing. It was a win-win, I'd say. 

Lucky you! The monthly Family Sunday Dinner happened to fall on your birthday, so your cousins were there to eat cake and watch you open presents. 

Oh, the presents! Your reactions never disappoint! Daddy gave you a Hockey Jersey. Your brother gave you a Wall-E robot, and your cousin gave you a Webkinz.

Mommy gave you cash. Again, I was lazy. You didn't seem to mind. :)

Happy 7th Birthday, Little Miss! Love Mommy

7 Months

Today the baby is 7 months old. He celebrated by graduating from army crawling to crawling on hands and knees....

... and he learned to pull himself to a standing position. We had to lower the crib. 

Happy 7 months, superstar! Doesn't E. make a cute paparazzi? 

So Tired

The baby spent the night waking up every hour on the hour. I am exhausted. As I prop my eyes open long enough to execute some necessary household and motherly tasks, I've been contemplating how I might persuade him to sleep a tiny bit more peacefully this evening. I'm not convinced that reflux is the culprit at this point. Has he been trained by past pain to wake so often? Should I stay in his room and try to sooth him without lifting him from his crib? Do I have the energy for that when I have to run 11 miles tomorrow morning?  It is a conundrum. One which my mind seems unable to focus on for more than a few moments before slipping into thoughts of soft pillows and smooth sheets. So I'll figure it out later. After a nap.

{image via Toast}

A Girl Can Dream

This is my current wish list. Oh, beautiful fall palette, please be mine!

1) Cardigan $88, Dress $165 both J.Crew 2) Dress $98 by Banana Republic 3) Dress $150 by Banana Republic 4) Blouse $158 Anthropologie 5) Belt $35, by J.Crew 6) Ballet Flats $12.99 Old Navy 7) Coat $285 by J.Crew

{I tend to always wear black, white & grey with one pop of color. For Spring/Summer my 'pop' was kelly green. Fall seems to be yellow. But my favorite is always a robin's egg blue, so if you happen to see anything- patent leather shoes, a coat, or lovely handbag- let me know! I'll be forever grateful.}

Time Goes By

This is starting to feel like a long time ago. Little Miss C. already looks so much older {photos coming soon, I promise!} and little E. doesn't even use a pacifier anymore. I may not have a scrapbook, but I'm sure glad my husband makes these videos.

Stay Tuned

We celebrated Little Miss C's birthday over the long weekend and managed to borrow a camera to take lots of pictures.... which we then left at grandma's house. Sneak peek: 

C: Mommy, can I watch the Cheetah Girls?

Me: I don't really think that's appropriate for you, sweetie.

C: {with an exasperated sigh} Mommy! You need to accept that I am 7 years old now. I'm all grown up! That means that I like the Cheetah girls.

Me: *gulp*